


Last resort

by Misforme



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/M, Falling In Love, Group Homes, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Self-Harm, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:06:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 25,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7751602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misforme/pseuds/Misforme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU A very depressed Alec has problems he can't fix at home. So his parents sent him to Idris "Home for troubled youth". Can he cope with the changes in his life and the new people he will meet?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hola, not my first fanfic ever but my first on this site. My native language is NOT english so hope i don't make to many mistakes.... Hope you'll like it. Came up with this idea while watching netflix...lol.
> 
> Chapter title = A day to remember

Chapter 1: "If it means a lot" 

Click, click, click. The Ipod in Alecs' hand made a sound everytime he skipped a song. His mother was talking to some guy whose name he didn't even bother to remember. He didn't even want to listen to a thing his mother had to say to him. His dad was smarter than her. He burried himself in his work when he found out that his wife was going to sent her eldest son away. The voices of the man and his mother were muffled. Thank god for his Ipod. 

"So everything is settled. You have to sign the admission forms for Alexander. You need to sign here and on the next paper down at the bodem," the man had said. Alec had turned his volume down so he could still hear them but his mother would just assume that he wasn't listening. "Thank you so much for this, mr Garroway. I know that it was kinda last minute but we just couldn't let Alexander live with us anymore. His siblings would be in great danger." His mother looked at him and Alec just stared. 

Great danger, she said. Like he was ever going to hurt his brothers and sister. They mattered to him. He would never ever hurt them! He saw his mother shake mister Garroways hand, she put a hand on Alecs shoulder and left. No goodbye, no hug, not even a little kiss on his cheek. Not that he needed that, he never got along with his mother. But how can a mother just leave her son like that. He looked at the man. He smiled softly. Mister Garroway pulled one earbud out of his ear. 

"Alexander, you may follow me to your room. I know this is scary and I understand that you would rather have stayed at home but...you'll get used to this place." He followed mister Garroway through a long white corridor. There were pictures on the wall beautiful photos of people, teenagers, and nature. Animals, trees, flowers, clouds. "You like those? They were made by the kids who take the photography course here at Idris. You like photography? Cause you can sign up if you want?" Alec just nodded. Not wanting to say to much. A couple of minutes later, Alec sat on his bed, in his room. It was small but it was doable. There was a bed, a nightstand, a desk and a closet. He put his bag on the deskchair and layed flat on his bed. How could he let this happen to him? Being stuck in here like some prisoner. Like he had done something wrong. Okay maybe threatening to kill yourself was not the smartest idea he had had in years. But feeling like this...feeling so angry all the time. Feeling sad and feeling like you are losing control of everything was nog what he would have wanted. He especially didn't want his siblings to see him like that. So close to the edge of breaking down completely. Maybe this was the best solution. Just hide in here for a while so everybody could be happy and back to there normal lives and forget about him. Yeah, that would be best.

After a short nap Alec decided that he would throw his clothes in the closet and further unpack his back. At the bottom of his bag he found an envelope. On the front was the shape of a mouth with bright red lipstick, Izzy. He smiled and opened the envelope. Inside was a picture of Izzy, Jace, Max and himself. The photo was taken in the garden. Max sat on Jaces shoulder and Izzy clung to Alecs back. _We love you, big brother_ was written big a blue sharpie on the back of the photograph. Inside he felt it again. The boiling of all these emotions he couldn't place, couldn't speak about. Silently he counted 'till 10 and took a deep breath. He pinned the picture on the board above his bed and just as he was about to put his earbuds back in he heard a knock on his door. He didn't bother to answer.

A petite red haired girl peeked her head just around the door. "Hi...you're Alexander right, you're new here. I'm Clary and I'm going to show you around." She smiled at him and wanted to shake his hand but he stuffed his hands fast in the pockets of his black worn hoodie. He followed her to the corridor but first checked at least 10 times if his door was closed. A small habit he developed when he still lived in his own house. Clary talked...a lot. She showed him the halls and the entertainment room. A tv, radio, pooltable and a few computers. Entertainment my ass. There was a craftsroom where he saw a couple of kids working on a project. Next to that he saw the musicroom. "Luke....i'm sorry, Mister Garroway has a passion for music. Did you know he played in a band when he was 20 years old. He played the bass guitar but he can also drum." Clary spoke with such speed that it was hard to keep track. On the piano and behind it on the ground layed a kinds of sheet music. There was a boy on the ground collecting the papers. He wore dark blue jeans and a shiny satinlike black blouse with a lot of glitter on it. His head was down. "Clumsy much," Clary said to him and without looking up he signed. "Shut it biscuit!" the boy said. Clary shouted something at him and pulled Alec along. 

"Why are you here?" Alec blurred out. He thought that Idris was only for troubled teens above 16, as the brochure had said.  
"Oh....mister Garroway, Luke, is my stepdad." She smiled and put her long red hair in a ponytail. "I volunteer here. Plus this way we get to spend some extra time together. My mom is away from home a lot because she's an artist. So I'd rather be here than home along. Right? That's boring! So your schedule is on your desk and I will see you later!" She skipped of. Alec turned around and saw that Clary had jumped on the back of the boy they just saw in the musicroom. "Showing some new kid around" He heard her say to him. 

And that's when it happened. Alec was left alone by Clary in the middle of a long corridor and he had no idea where his room was. The anxiety was boiling in the pit of his stomach. His breath got stuck in his throat and he forgot how he needed to breathe. His former psychologist had learned his a few breathing tactics but all failed to pop up in his head. He felt just like that time when his mother found him in the bathroom, going through the medicinecabinet looking for something, anything to make him feel nothing. He felt himself fall onto the ground and in the distance he heard the voices of a girl and a boy. 

***  
When Alec woke up, he was on his bed. He let out a deep breath just before he noticed a figure sitting on his deskchair.  
"You're awake. Great. Now let's go to group therapy so maybe you call tell what made you faint." Luke stood, placing the schedule back on the desk.  
Alec followed quietly, putting on the hood of his hoodie. His black hair falling on his forehead.  
"Come one Alec. You're gonna make some new friends!"


	2. To be endlessly cold within...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group therapy and getting through the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god...I got so excited to see the first review (I am an easy one to please haha), i wrote the second chapter already. No more after this. It's late....need to sleep! 
> 
> Chapter title is from one of my favorite bands of all time Muse (hysteria)   
> The song Magnus, Simon and Clary sung/played was say something by a great big world.   
> Song of Alec is Breathe me by Sia. I know, i know but the song fits so good. And imagine it sung by him... oh my
> 
> the feels

This was not a good idea. Click, click, click. Alec pumped up the volume on his Ipod _To be endlessly cold within and dreaming i'm alive_. He didn't want to talk, he didn't even wanted to meet new people. He didn't need friends. He had friends. Well, if you count siblings as friends, than he had 3 amazing friends. Okay, so he met Clary like 5 seconds ago but that was forced on him. He was never good with people. Always felt like he needed to behave like someone else. Felt like he needed to do what they told him to do. And also felt like he needed to explain himself. Why he was the way he was. He never understood why people could be happy al the time or that some people didn't even need to do some effort to succeed in what they needed to succeed at. 

He snapped out of his thoughts. Knowing that if he would continue, it was all gonna go downhill. Luke sat on a chair and pointed at the empty chair in the circle. There were 4 other boys and girls and the only one who he had met, Clary, was nowhere to be found. But she didn't go here, she only visited. It was easier if she was here. She could talk, he could stay still.  
"Okay everyone. Welcome again. So we have a new member of the group. Would you like to introduce yourself?"Luke had said in a soft voice. He was nice, sure he was. But Alec didn't feel like talking or making friends. He just shook his head and pulled the hood further over his head.   
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to. But please, take off your hood and your earbuds out. Come on, Alec." Alec felt like he shouldn't. Like being a bit rebellious because he wanted to go home. But he couldn't. So he did as told but kept his head low and his eyes on the ground. 

"Let's start then. Simon would you start?" he heard Luke say. He heard someone clearing his throat. This kid started rambling. It was easy to listen to him. He reminded Alec of Clary, with the rambling. He told the group that it had been a week since he had last had nightmares of his dad and the group applauded. Alec looked up at Simon. He looked nerdy, glasses on the tip of his nose, a metallica bandshirt (with holes) and some faded blue vans. He had a checkered blouse wrapped around his waist. Luke smiled at Alec, making contact again. Blushing he let his eyes fall down again. New people were not Alecs thing. He hated that awkward stage before becoming friends with someone. Especially since he had never made actual friends before. When he was at home, in school, he tried. He tried but got nowhere. 

Alec started to fiddle with the strings of his hoodie, when someone else started talking. He looked at to see who belonged to the voice. A beautifull, soft, velvetty voice and his eyes met his eyes. The staring was at least 10 seconds before Alec started to panic. The horrible feeling in his stomach, his head started to pound and the room started to spin. He heard Luke say "there we go again" and he fell down to the floor. 

Alec hated to be touched by strangers. He heard Luke talk to the group and he felt a hand in his hand. Soft and strong was the grip. Although he hated being touched by strangers, this hand didn't feel that scary. Blinking his eyes he saw that Luke was sitting next to him. The hand let go and Alec immediately missed the warmth, but he wouldn't admit that. Not ever. Once he gained full consciousness, he sat back on his chair. He mumbled a soft sorry and Luke ask him what he had said.  
"I said sorry. I can't help it. I have anxiety disorder and I haven't had my medication yet." Alec lied. Alec hardly ever speak the truth. Not to strangers anyway. Alec missed his sister. She would have told him it would be okay, he would be okay.   
"That's okay Alec. I'm glad you said something. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group." It wasn't okay. Not for Alec anyway but Luke tried. More than some other people he had known longer than Luke.  
"I'm Alec Lightwood. I'm 18 years old and my mom brought me here this morning." That was enough information for one day, he thought.   
Alec watched Luke who nodded. Then the group started to introduce themself. Simon, the nerdy one with the glasses. Lydia, a blonde cheerleader type girl, Maia, the girl with the two braids and some sort of animal sweater and then there was him. The boy he had seen in the hallway with Clary. The boy with the black glittery silky blouse. His name was Magnus.

The rest of group therapy was a blur. Alec felt himself fall between being awake and asleep. They did some exercises and they talked a lot. When he heard Luke say that it was time again he stood up quickly and tried to get away as fast as he could. After this embarrasing groupsession he just wanted to lay under the cover of his bed, blasting some of his favorite songs. He wanted to, but was cut of by the boy with the velvet voice. "Hey Alec, i'm sorry about the hand thing. My therapist said that it would help people to have some sort of psychical contact if they are having a panic attack. You know, to let them know what is real and what is not." Magnus said softly. He sounded fragile, carefull and shy but his eyes did say something else. Confident.   
Alec didn't answer him. He just nodded. "Are you coming? We have music therapy now. But it's monday so we don't have a session. You just need to be in the room." 

Magnus rushed off. Alex just followed everyone. In the music room there were more people. He wondered how many there were in the group home. He spotted Clary hanging around Magnus. They looked at some sheet music together. There was a couch in the back. Perfect. Alec put his earbuds in again and sat down. He loved music. At least he loved to play music, before.... but not anymore. He just observed everyone and kept still, and invisible. He looked around. Magnus was sitting at the piano, handing Simon some sheets. Simon opened the cabinets and took out a violin. What was this? Some sort of we-are-troubled-but-talented group home. Magnus began and was quickly followed by Simon. Magnus started to sing. My god, the voice. Alec put the music of his Ipod on pause but kept the buds in, so people wouldn't know he was actually listening to the music. After a couple of bars Clary started to join in. Alec had to admit, they sounded good together. But he kept his eyes on the man at the piano. He knew the song. It was an emotional song and once the song ended, his eyes met a pair of green watery eyes.

Magnus blinked one time and the tears were gone.   
"Did you like the song?" He asked Alec. Knowing that he was listening. Alec nodded and flipped through his Ipod.   
"Do you play and instrument?" Again Alec nodded.   
"Let's hear something!" Magnus said. He smiled a small smile and Alec knew that he did not want to do this. But like Alec was used to, doing what people told him to do. The panic started to rise in his throat. Music was everything to him. He could have gone to a good college based on his music. If he wasn't so screwed up that was. He picked up a guitar, letting his fingers slide over the strings. Then changed his mind and sat down at he piano. His long fingers gliding over the white and black keys. He started to sing

_Help, I have done it again_


	3. Don't forget to breath tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets in a funk after he sang to his fellow housemembers
> 
> Chapter title = modern myth by 30 seconds to mars <3  
> Song that Alec sings is Hurricane also by 30 seconds to mars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... I am so glad to see the comments and hits. Kinda made me write another chapter. I got a comment about the update schedule but haven't really thought about that. At this point, I have a summerbreak (which will end this monday) so have a lot of time at the moment. But if I have to work again maybe than i won't be able to publish 3 chapter (in 12 hours...hahah silly me). Anyways.. hope you will enjoy the next chapter. If you ever have a comment or a story idea or anything...let me know in the comments. I WILL read them. Have a good day :)

When Alex opened his eyes again, after closing them halfway through the song, he saw all these people stare at him. He had always liked to perform, at least he used to. Now it made him feel vulnerable and scared. His head pounded so he stood up quickly, knocking over the pianostool and ran out of the musicroom before anyone could respond to him. He didn't want to hear anyone, no comments, no compliments, no nothing. While running back towards his room, he felt tears sliding across his cheek. Once he reached his room, he opened the door, closed the curtains and crawled under the duvet of his bed. It was dark, silence filled up the room. Accept from Alecs heavy breathing that was. He counted from 10 'till 0. Deeply in and a long breath out, stabilising his heartbeat. He had promised to himself he wouldn't do this again. Why did he? There was a time once, when he loved to perform, to entertain. When he was a kid. When he hadden't seen and known what he had seen and known now. 

When you're a kid, you're carefree. You play and laugh and nothing matters more than seeing a new tvshow or getting a new toy. Alec had been a happy kid, but along the way, after he was 8 years old, he started to change. His mother knew it and his father knew it. Alec stopped being that happy, carefree kid. He stopped letting go and started to take control over everything that he could take control over. When Alec was 9 years old, he went to his first psychologist. A nice older man who made Alec feel like it was okay to be different than his sister or brother. He got better, for a short time at least. That was until his parents decided to adopt Jace, his brother. He loved Jace and he didn't blame him for making Alec feel the way he felt. At first, Alec was angry and sad. He felt alone. Before Jace, when there was just Isabelle, Max and himself, their parents already never took time to be with them. They were working a lot, so yes, they had a lot of money and stuff. But money and stuff isn't what Alec needed. He needed some sort of contact with his parents. Izzy was great, she was confidend like his mother. She took on everything with both hands and she cared for her brothers, a lot. Max was too little to know what was going on. Luckilt they had their uncle who took care of them. 

Jace was a kind soul in Alecs' life. They instantly connected and Alec felt loved by Jace. Maybe a bit too much. Alec fell in love with Jace. He always hid it from the world. He wanted to like girls and be in love with them, but you can't change who you are on the inside. When Alec was 12 years old, he got diagnosed with anxiety disorder. It started with small things, like being afraid of the dark and talking to strangers. He never felt comfortable with strangers. Jace and Isabelle always went with Alec, everywhere he needed to go. They didn't judge him, they just told everyone that Alec was that way and they loved him for who he was. Sure, they tried to make Alec feel more carefree and happy but once those dark thoughts are inside your head, it's hard to get them out. It got bigger the night after he saw what he would never be able to erase from his memory.

***  
Alec pulled the duvet off him. He looked around and was in his room. He leaned over towards his desk and picked up the Ipod he threw there before he crawled under the duvet 1 hour ago. Blasting his favorite bands in his ears, this was what he needed. Luckily no-one followed his after the musictherapy. He looked at the digital clock on his Ipod and saw that it was almost time to go to the diningroom. Food. He didn't even want to think about that at the moment. Food and Alec were definetly not friends. A knock on the door let him snap out of his thoughts. It was Luke. "Are you okay? I heard what happened in the musicroom? You made an impression on some people here."  
"I don't care," he answered so quietly that it almost came out as a whisper.  
"Well, you should. You were really good, I heard. But anyways, let's go get something to eat," Luke smiled and opened the door further inviting Alec to come along. But Alec just shook his head and whispered that he was not hungry. Luke just nodded sadly and let Alec be. 

Hours turned into days and days into weeks. Alec hadden't been to groupsessions and hadden't been eating in the diningroom. He never really left his room, accept for when he needed to go to the bathroom. The only two persons he saw were Luke, for a solo therapy session and Clary, who was kind enough to bring him food. Not that he eat a lot but, she tried. On a fridaymorning when Alec was looking out of his window, Luke entered his room.  
"Alec, this can't go on any longer. Wouldn't you like to see the others or play some music?" Alec shook his head. At least Luke tried and in the last couple of weeks, he started to trust Luke more and more. Alec had opened up a little towards Luke. He knew about the anxiety disorder, the need to control everything and the need to protect his brothers and sister. He knew that Alec had issues with his parents but he never figured out what exactly happened to Alec to make him behave and think the way he did.  
"Alec. I appreciate that you started to talk more. Can you tell me something about your mother? Have you had any contact with her while you are here?"  
Alec shook his head. "No. My mother and I are very different. Everyone always tells me I look like my father, you know. Serious, busy, workaholic type of guy. never letting my emotions show and ...well...yeah. My mom always wants to do what is best for me. So she always pushes me to be bigger, to do better.''  
" Can you tell me how that makes you feel?" Luke shifted his legs and Alec stared at him.  
"She's cold, she never gave anything about me and I think she also didn't really give a damn about the rest of us. That woman....she doesn't deserve us. She doesn't deserve children. She doesn't deserve love."  
"Why would you say that Alec?"  
And now Alec would have to come clean. That he saw what his mother did. He saw what she did to his uncle. Alec had loved him so much. He was always there for him. They didn't really have a big family, but his uncle, he was the best. He was his mothers' brother and was the bravest and most caring man that Alec had known. Everytime his mother and father went away on bussiness trips his uncle would take care of them. And whenever he did, the house looked and felt warmer. He took the time to play with them. He was the one that taught Alec to play the piano and guitar. They would always jam together. The kids and his uncle. The day his uncle died, was the day that Alec stopped playing, at least for crowds that was. He only jammed alone in his room, sometimes Jace or Isabell would join him. That day, weeks ago, in the musicroom was the first time he played after his uncles' funeral. He didn't tell all of this to Luke, so he lied and said that he missed his uncle who had died when he was 15 years old.

Luke looked at Alec while he wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his black sweater. "I see that the death of your uncle really affected you. Did you saw him more like a dad than an uncle?"Luke had asked and all Alec could do was nod. His uncle understood him. He guided him, telling Alec with little gestures that it was okay to be scared, and be himself. His uncle knew what he had felt for Jace all those years ago. And while after that, he pretended to be straight, his uncle knew that he was attracted to boys. Maybe it was because his uncle had a boyfriend himself. He met him once, a funny guy, but when he saw him at the funeral of his uncle, he didn't look funny anymore. And his mom was to blame.

Luke was great. He told Alec that if he wanted to release some stress and feelings, the musicroom was all for him. He would keep everyone in the diningroom and Alec would eat later. Luke had said to him that he would rather let him be there alone than spend another day in his room. And so it was that Alec sat again at the pianostool, after weeks. He blinked a couple of times, looking around nervously if he really didn't see anyone. But there was no-one there. He started to let his fingers glide over the white and black keys and started to sing 

_Tell me would you kill, to save a life._  
_Tell me would you kill, to prove you're right._  
_Crash, crash, burn. Let it all burn._  
_This hurricane's chasing us all underground_

When he was done singing. He felt better and not better at the same time. He started to think of his mother and his uncle and what had happened. A noise startled him and a pair of beautiful green eyes met his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry I am evil. Hope you will like this chapter. You will find out what happened but....i didn't want to reveal to much in one chapter since you already know a little bit more why Alec is the way he is. 
> 
> Also Magnus and Alec will communicate soon because let's face it. We all need that!


	4. All i want is nothing more...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec begins to trust in Magnus, makes friends with Simon and has some surprising visitors. 
> 
> Chapter title = all I want by Kodaline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guess who's back!? I know, i know....i'm updating really fast at this point but i have all these ideas and if I don't continue at this moment, i'm afraid i will forget about them. But if you like the fast updates, well i guess then you will be happy
> 
> Anyways,... as Alec once said " enough" 
> 
> Let's continue with the story

The eyes...how could he look away. It was so hard to look away. And the strange part was, although he was scared and felt exposed, he didn't run and didn't start to panic.  
"That was beautiful," Magnus said walking towards Alec. Easily and carefully, because he knew what would happen if he went to fast.  
Alec mumbled a thanks and blushed. Alec knew what he could do with his voice and with the instruments, he knew he was good. But he never acted like he knew, he wasn't arrogant like his brother sometimes was.  
"You should play more, it's a shame we don't get to hear your voice more," Magnus told him bravely. He hoped he wouldn't scare Alec.  
"I know, but.....it's....it's complicated." Alec looked down at the piano, the keys shining in the sunlight. The sun was about to set so the whole room became this beautiful yellow,golden, orange-y color. It felt warm.  
"Okay. You know that if you want to talk to someone...we're all here. But if you don't, that's also okay." Magnus looked at Alec. Alec stared at him. He had to admit, he was beautiful. He wore these tight darkred skinny jeans, almost to dark to tell the difference between black and red. The buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned. His hair styled backwards and his eyes were rimmed with a thin black line.  
"I know, it's just....I don't really like talking to strangers." Alec said quietly. Magnus started to laugh.  
"And we will always be strangers if you don't talk. Wait, i'll introduce myself and not like that grouptherapy bull. I am Magnus Bane, almost 19 years old and I have lived here for almost 2 months now." He stretched out his arm and took Alec's right hand in his. Alec felt it again, the warmth of Magnus in his hand, just like when he passed out.  
"I'm Alec Lightwood." He said.  
"And...." Magnus tapped his foot. Almost as if he was waiting for Alec to hurry up and talk.  
"There's really nothing else...i'm 18 years old. Came here a couple of weeks ago. I have a sister and 2 brothers...." Alec hadden't realised how much he had missed them. Sure he called with Isabelle and Jace but actually seeing them in person, he had not.  
"You love them don't you. I saw your eyes light up when you said that you had siblings."  
"I miss them."  
"I know, or actually I don't. I don't have siblings so....but i have a cat. I miss that little nugget." Magnus smiled at Alec and Alec just realised that after Clary, Magnus was the second person who had had spoken to. He hoped that Magnus was as nice as he pretented to be. He also was al little bit curious what the reason was that he was here. And it helped that he was incredibly hot. Alec had feelings for Jace when he was younger and maybe they never really disappeared, but apart from Jace there wasn't really anyone who caught his eyes. Maybe because he was so hard on himself. His uncle always said that you first had to love yourself, before you could love someone else. That was the one thing he disagreed on.  
Alec mumbled something Magnus couldn't hear. "What?" he asked pressing his lips together in a smile.  
"Your cat, what's his name?"  
" Chairman Meow!" Magnus answered. It was than in that moment that it happened. Alec smiled, his eyes shining. Magnus looked at him and their eyes connected.  
"Hey, no laughing! The chairman is a very imported kitty!" That made Alec smiled even more.  
"I like your smile." Magnus then said, making Alec blush.  
"I....uh....i have to go." Alec stood up quickly, mumbled some sort of goodbye and left for his room, leaving Magnus behind in an empty musicroom.

When Alec reached his room, he quickly changed into his pajamas and went to bed. He couldn't sleep though, his head running miles. He didn't know what it was about Magnus that made him feel so calm, so free. The fact that Alec thought he was really hot didn't make things any easier. But why could he talk to Magnus like that? Not feeling scared or having a panic attack like he had on the first day, when their eyes met. He started to feel at home here, which scared him. Cause everytime he started to feel safe, it was like the world was waiting on it. Like the world did not want Alec to feel safe, at least that's how it felt. Alec fel asleep after an hour of fretting. 

***  
It was a few days later and Alec hadden't really spoken to Magnus after their chat. He was working on some drawing with Clary. Clary made Alec feel safe. She cared about him. At the other end of the table was Simon. Alec had spoken to Simon the day before and they had one great thing in coming, music. Maybe if they had met outside of this place, they would be great concert buddies. They liked the same bands and hated the same bands. Now they were drawing, music playing quietly in the background.  
Clary was chatting away with Simon about what Jared Leto should choose if he had to chose between acting and his band. Alec was listening to them. This was easy, this felt easy. It reminded Alec of being at home with his siblings. Just hanging out together, not feeling pressured.  
Suddenly Clary looked up. Her eyes shining with excitement.  
"Oh my god, who is that!" She wispered. Alec looked around. His heart sinking in his chest. In the doorway of the craftsroom, smiling so brightly, were Isabelle and Jace. Luke standing behind them, pointing at Alec. Before Alec could even think about it he jumped up, picking Isabelle into the air. She hugged him and Jace hugged them.  
"Big bro, i have missed you like crazy!"Isabelle said so loud that it felt like she was screaming. "Missed you to,"Alec mumbled and hugged her even more. If that was even possible. Simon and Clary walked away from the table towards Alec.  
"Hi, I'm Clary. So you are the famous Jace and Isabelle Alec can't stop talking about!"  
"The one and only," Jace said, knocking Alec and Isabelle out of his way.  
"How, what....I....What are you doing here?" Alec smiled at his brother and sister, stuttering.  
"We had some cash put aside and bought planetickets and voila! We also made this kind of our vacation. I needed to tell you that Max misses you and he broke your drumkit. And he is very sorry." Isabelle smiled, winking at Simon. They kept standing there, talking, catching up, and when they made their way towards Alec's room made his way into the craftsroom. Magnus looked beautiful and shiny. The glitter on his eyes and shirt reflecting in the sunlight. Alec looked at him, swallowing hard.  
"Oh my, your clothes are beautiful!" Isabelle smiled, grabbing Magnus's hand. "I'm Isabelle, Izzy, Alec's sister."  
"I see good looks run in the family. I'm Magnus, Alec's.......friend" He locked eyes with Alec, who just stood there, blushing like crazy.  
"I bet you are." Isabelle looked from Magnus to Alec and back.  
"Let's go."Alec said, pulling Jace and Isabelle towards his room.

" So how are you, big bro? The truth this time." Isabelle asked. She was laying on Alec's bed, shoes of, feet against the wall.  
"I'm doing, I guess.....okay I think. I like it here. It makes me, not think about everything."  
"That's good," she smiled "I hope that you'll get beter, we miss you a lot. I especially miss the sunday pancakes!"  
Jace was looking around Alec's room.  
"That girl, the red-head. Why's she here?" He said.  
"Oh Clary, she volunteers or yeah,....she just hangs out here. Her stepdad is the groupcounselor."  
" She's hot!" Jace yelled, making Alec and Isabelle laugh.  
"Speaking of hot...my my.....that Magnus...he looked handsome." Isabelle said not looking at Alec.  
" He's nice." Alec just simply replied. Jace and Isabelle shared a look.  
"You know, I think he likes you," Isabelle said "You know, we know and we don't care. As long as you're happy, Alec."  
He never said directly to them that he was gay, althought Izzy had always assumed. Jace's eyes widened. Apparently he was still getting used to the idea.  
"We love you, Alec, no matter what. We just want you to get better and home...with us." Jace said softly. "Do you know how long you have to stay?"  
"No, i don't but...i really don't mind being here. I have made some friends and it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't know ... you know"  
Isabelle and Jace didn't know what their mother had done. They had always thought that because of the anxiety and the death of their uncle, Alec went a bit loopy.  
"Alec, please...tell me what is wrong with you? You know you can tell me anything right?" Jace said desperatly. Alec shifted on his deskchair. No, he couldn't tell him everything. he couldn't tell him that he loved him in another way than he should, or used to love him. It confused him. He didn't know what he felt. Jace was safe. Jace would never return his feelings. If he stopped feeling and thinking about Jace in that way, he had to connect with someone else sometime. That thought alone scared him more than anything else. He couldn't control this, he couldn't stop this. He was lost. He felt like he was suffocating. Alec fled the room and ran. As hard as he could until he couldn't run anymore because the hallway was cut of with the doors to go outside, which were, ofcourse, locked. He sank down on the floor, head between his knees, crying his eyes out, hyperventilating.  
He felt two strong arms curling around him and froze. Looking up seeing the beautiful side of Magnus looking down on him, worry in his eyes and he let him hold him.


	5. To build a home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus get to know eachother more...
> 
> Chapter title is To build a home form the cinematic orchestra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola, I am back. Here's another chapter for you.... Hope you like it.

Magnus felt warm and safe. He just sat there, holding Alec while he sobbed. Isabelle and Jace never followed him, they let him be. Alec felt Magnus's hand stroking his hair, playing with the tips of it, rolling it between his finger.  
" Shhh, it's okay Alexander, it will be okay." Alec stiffened when Magnus had called his full name. Never was there someone who had called him that, apart from his parents. When his father said it, it sounded like he was dissapointed. His mother always called him by his full name when she was angry, which was a lot.   
Alex shifted and looked up into Magnus's eyes. He mumbled a thank you and let his head fall back against the door. Magnus shifted and sat besides him.  
"Are you okay?" he asked, sounding concerned.  
"I don't know, i......I just.....I don't know." Alec wiped his hands on his shirt.  
"If you want to talk, you know i am here for you."   
"Yeah i know, thanks." Alec looked sideways, glancing at the beauty that was Magnus. They were sitting very close together, huddled against the door.   
"Your brother and sister seem very nice" He said cathing Alec's eyes. Aware that he was staring at him.  
"They are. They're the best. But they don't really know....anything about me. They know what they're told. They think I am crazy." Alec said.  
"But they love you. That's what's important. And...i don't think they really think you are crazy. They're just concerned." Magnus traced his fingers on the pattern on the marble-looking floor. They sat there for a while. Not really talking much. Just sitting. Magnus suggested that they could go to his room, that would be more comfortable.  
Once they reached his room, Magnus walking and Alec following, Magnus opened the door and Alec was met with the brightest colors he had ever seen. The walls were painted different shades of red and purple, pictures on his wall. He saw a couple of pictures with Clary, one picture of him with a guy and a girl hugging eachother in front of a lake and at least 10 pictures with a little gray kitten in it. Alec guessed that that would be Chairman meow.   
"He's cute" Alec said quietly not realising that Magnus was standing behind him, closer than he should. He turned around and nearly knocked him over.  
"Sorry" Magnus smiled, placing his hands on Alec's arm and he walked towards the bed, flopping down on it, staring at the ceiling.   
Alec walked towards the desk and sat down on the chair, to scared to sit on the bed so close to Magnus. 

Alex thought that his feelings for Jace were confusing, but Magnus didn't make it any easier. He was breathtaking, laying on his bed, his shirt had ridding a bit upwards, revealing a thin stripe of that beautiful caramel skin. There were days, when he was younger, when he doubted if he really was gay. If it wasn't just a phase. But being here, looking at Magnus, it was totally clear. Yup...he was so gay.   
Magnus let his head fall sideways, looking at Alec. "So favorite band of all time!?"He asked, lightening the mood and tension in the room.  
"That's unfair. There can not be just one band!" Alec smiled, looking down.  
"Mine is Panic at the disco. Just because that's the best band name ever." Magnus said.   
"Muse, 30 seconds to mars, System of a down and Queen." Alec said so fast that Magnus almost didn't hear it. "Favorite movie?" Alec asked, pulling his legs up. He looked so small sitting there on the deskchair hugging his legs.  
"I really love romantic comedies. But i also like the classics. I think my favorite movie would be The Breakfast club. When i was younger and in school, i always tried to get detention because I wanted it to be like that in my life so badly" Magnus smiled, remembering his memories.  
"I like the lords of the rings trilogy....and the Hobbit of course."  
They talked like that for a while. Favorite colors, songs, seasons, holidays, tvshows. They covered everything.  
Alec's mind hadden't thought of his brother and sister in a long while. He should go back to them.  
"Thanks Magnus, but i think i will go back to my room....Jace and Izzy.....I hope they are still there," Alec stood up. rubbing the wrinkles out of his shirt. Magnus got of the bed, standing in front of Alec. His fingers itching to touch him, to hug him. But he didn't.   
Alec left Magnus in his room. Alone. He hadden't felt like this in a while. He had loved a couple of times and when he loved, he moved mountains. He always fell really hard. This shy, sweet, but scarred boy was knocking on the door of his heart. He wanted to let him in, if he wanted to. 

This was different. This was intense, more intense then with Camille or with his other exes. Alec Lightwood would be the death of him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that. I am sorry it is so short. Will update soon! 
> 
> xoxo


	6. Drawing me in and you kicking me out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we continue....  
> the group play truth or dare  
> Magnus and Alec misunderstand eachother
> 
> Song chapter title is All of me by John Legend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god...i'm so sorry. Bit of a crisis at home made it impossible to upload a new chapter. But here it is.
> 
> Hope you'll like it.

A week had passed. Jace and Isabelle were still staying in a hotel. Some days going out, some days visiting Alec. They became friends with Alec's small group of friends. Clary, Simon and Magnus. Alec couldn't even remember the last time he was so happy. At least....as happy as he could be. Because no matter how many games he played with Clary or jammed with Simon or had long, sometimes past their curfews, talks with Magnus about anything, when he was alone, his mind started to trick him. Thinking about everything, his uncle, how he always felt like he was not good enough, about how being gay was wrong and so many other things that bothered him. The small things that bothered him, he tried talking to Jace once but he always said _don't care what people think_. Which was hard when you have an anxiety disorder. The only thing that helped then, was listening to music or making music.

Talking with Magnus and his sessions with Luke were the things that helped him now. He felt safe with them. The only thing that bothered him was not knowing some personal things about magnus. He couldn't really blame him when he wasn't really honest with Magnus himself. And not only about his feelings about him, but also the secret that he carried around with him. He wanted to tell Magnus, and Luke ofcourse, when he was ready.

On a friday evening, the gang were huddled together on the floor. They were done with diner and just relaxed together.  
"Oh my god, i am so bored!" Simon said, laying down on the floor. His head on Clary's leg. She sat on the floor, indianstyle, against the couch. Alec sat against a chair and Magnus sat behind Lydia, braiding her long blond hair.  
"I can paint your toenails after i am done braiding Lydia's hair," Magnus smiled.  
"No thank you." Simon took a deep breath, his eyes gliding over the ceiling. "Let's play a game. Like truth or dare or something."  
They all nodded and got along with Simon's plan. Only Alec stayed quiet. Although he loved it here and felt safe with these people, his friends, truth or dare was never his favorite passtime.  
"Okay so truth or dare Lydia" Simon said, glancing a smile at Lydia.  
"Dare" She answered, sure of herself.  
"I dare you....to drink a glass of water, while standing on your head, singing the national anthem." Clary snorted and Simon laughed.  
"Oh please, that's childsplay." She said and did the dare. With a head as red as a tomato she returned to the circle of friends. They continued like this. All kinds of silly, harmlesse dares. For a group of troubled teens they were really innocent. But the longer the game lasted, the more interesting they became.  
"So Clary, truth or dare." Magnus said.  
"Truth"  
"Who was your first?"  
"How do you know I am not a virgin?" she answered, smirking at her friend.  
"Please biscuit, If you are a virgin, then I am the president of the US."  
"Okay, okay. My first time was with a boy named Eric. He was sweet and cute and super into me. But I liked him more as a friend. He was a safe choice to be my first. I thought that when I met someone I really liked, I already got over the awkward part. He was really mad at me when I told him I wanted to be friends, just friends. Can't blame him though. My turn. Simon If you have to chose, who would you want to sleep with? Celebrities not included. It has to be someone we know" Clary answered and looked at Simon, who had sat up against the couch.  
"Does that person have to live here?" he asked Clary  
"Nope"  
"Oh my god, I am so sorry, Alec. I would totally want to hook up with your sister." Alec's eyes went wide. He wasn't really surprised. Everybody always thought his sister was hot. And he had seen with his own eyes that Izzy and Simon really clicked but to hear it out loud.... but then again. They were teenagers with raging hormones living together. Stuff like this was bound to happen.  
"It's okay, Simon. Just know that I will kill you if you would ever have the nerve to hurt her." Alec smiled at Simon.  
"Okay look. I have a question for Alec. He had been really quiet during this whole game." Simon looked back at Alec, a smirk on his face.  
"Don't i need to chose truth or dare?"  
"Nope....just the truth this time?" Alec got a bit worried. He didn't want to talk about somethings in his life. He knew they agreed not to talk about why they were at the group home so that was not an issue. but still...Alec did not like to talk about himself.  
"Alec, if you had to chose anyone in this room, who would you kiss?" Alec's cheeks went flaming hot. He knew who. That wasn't even an option.  
"I don't know." Alec mumbled  
"Your red tomato face tells me otherwise. Come on just say it!" Simon smiled, his knees bouncing up and down in excitement.  
"Magnus." Alec mumbled so softly that no human alive could have heard what he had said.  
"What?"  
"I said Magnus!" Alec yelled. The group instantly looked at Magnus who smiled at them  
"I am flattered" Magnus looked at Alec. His eyes shining in the dim light of the room. Alec had never seen eyes that beautiful. Magnus was everything that Alec wanted to be, without the glitter that is. He looked so confident and secure and happy with who he was. While Alec still didn't feel that being gay was right. He often thought that he was a bigger homophobe than his mother. Not that he would ever hurt someone, but being gay was something that Alec was made to believe, was wrong. His mother made sure he would think that. He had never felt proud and Magnus looked so proud to be bisexual. At one of their late night conversations, he told Alec that he was Bi. He told him about some of his ex boy and girlfriends. Never why they had broken up, but always funny stories that had happened when he was with them.  
"Oh my god, Alec I know it's your turn but Magnus.....this I want to see. I dare you to kiss Alec!" Lydia smiled. She was a nice girl, but pushed to hard sometimes. Alec blushed and fumbled with his hands. Magnus however stood up from his place and walked over to were Alec sat on the floor. The group looking at the whole situation that was about to happen. Clary was biting her lip, smiling like a crazy person.  
Magnus knelt down next to Alec. Alec was nervous. He really liked Magnus and he didn't picture them kissing. This was just a dare, he told himself. Magnus layed his warm hand upon Alec's cheek and bent down to kiss him. Alec felt Magnus's warm and soft lips take his lower on in between them. He put just the right amount of pressure on his lips. It felt amazing. When Alec had first come here, he wouldn't have dreamed that he would like someone, let alone kiss someone.

Once Alec got over the shock, he started to move his lips against Magnus's. It was just lips moving against eachother, Alec chasing Magnus when he pulled away. Magnus smiled and stood up, sitting next to Lydia again. Alec wanted more. His crush on Magnus became so much more this evening. The group howled and whistled.  
"Come on kids, it was a dare. Don't get so worked up!" Magnus had said.  
How happy Alec had felt a moment ago, how cold and insecure he felt now. Magnus had said it. It was just a dare, at least to him it was. To Alec it was so much more. A couple of truths and dare later the group had to go to their own rooms and Clary to her own house. Once inside his room, Alec could finally do what he had pushed away after the kiss and cried himself to sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done. I am sorry I am evil. Finally a kiss but Magnus just sees it as a dare....or does he. You will see next time.  
> Thanks for reading.


	7. The little things give you away...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has a session with Luke, yells at Clary and pines after Magnus.
> 
> Songs:  
> Title is from Linkin Park (the little things give you away)  
> Song in the story is the same one from Linkin park and Aqualung (strange and beautiful)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We pick up where we left. I want to thank everyone for leaving a comment or kudos. I love it, thanks :) 
> 
> On with the story.

He wasn't sure if it was the sunlight shining in his eyes or his eyes being puffy and red from crying all night, but Alec's eyes were dry and they hurt. Like someone had thrown sand and dirt in them. How could something so great and amazing, like yesterday night, end like that? Alec was clueless. No clueless wasn't even the right word. He hurt. All the trust Magnus gained with Alec, shattered before his eyes. Alec looked on his Ipod for the time. It was time to go get breakfast and after breakfast he had to go to see Luke. But that meant that he had to get out of bed, out of the warmth of the blankets covering his thin frame. Out of his safe zone. The safe place that was his room, with his pictures of Izzy and Jace and Max. His safe spot were he could show how he felt. 

Alec then decided that breakfast was not going to be on his schedule that day. Crawling back under the blankets, putting his Ipod on, he fell asleep again.

\---  
"Alec, wake up!"  
Alec opened his eyes just enough to see Luke hovering over him.  
"Alec, what happened? You were doing so well! You weren't at breakfast this morning." Luke sounded concerned. Alec believed that he was, Luke probably was the only person who was concerned about him. He especially always wanted to make sure that Alec ate. Alec told Luke once in one of his sessions, that he hated to eat. Luke had noticed that Alec was on the thinner side and Alec had promised to do better. He just promised that because Luke had told him if he didn't, they were going to weigh him every week because he was getting to thin. The downside to that was the promise to eat more.  
"You know what our deal is Alec" Luke said, stern.  
"I know, i just.....wasn't feeling well. I think I'm sick" Alec lied.  
" I think that's a lie, Alec. Fortunatly for you we had an appointement scheduled so...You once told me that you didn't eat because you felt like that was the only thing that you could control. So I think something has happened" Luke sat down on Alec's deskchair and took out his Ipad to make notes.  
Although he didn't feel like it, Alec sat up straight, his knees pulled up to his chest, covered in blankets.  
"Alec please, I can't help you if you don't talk. I've seen you grow these last week. You're talking more, you're more social towards the others. I believe you had made some friends..."  
"It's hard to be friends when you don't trust people" Alec had finally spoken, very quietly, but loud enough so that Luke could hear him.  
"I know it is Alec. But not everyone is going to leave or betray you Alec. I know there's still something, something big, that you are struggling with."  
"yeah" Alec let his head fall down. Tears prickling in his eyes. "I want to tell you.....it's just....I can't. Not yet anyway. But someday"  
Luke smiled at him. They kept talking for an hour like this. Alec very slowly started to open up. About how his father was never around, about how his mother was incapable of showing any love towards him and his siblings.  
"We haven´t really talked about it but...how did your environment react to you being gay?"  
"Erm...my parents don't know because...." Alec almost had said because of his uncle and that he couldn't tell them. He swallowed his words and continued "Yeah they don't know. I don't think anybody really knows because I haven't told them. Izzy knows and Jace knows and I think Max too. I haven't told them but they know me. At least, that they know of me. They don't really care, they just want to see me happy."  
"Do you feel like you ever were...happy I mean" Luke asked him  
"Maybe when I was younger, but not for the last years. No. There are moments that I feel like I am but something always happens, something bad. And then I remember that maybe I am not meant to be happy." Alec signed. Hearing the words out loud were painfull. He always had thought that, but now saying them out loud. It broke him a bit. He quickly rubbed his arm, over the thin cuts that scarred his body. They were nothing more than white lines now. He hadden't hurt himself in years. He did it a couple of times, a years after his uncle died. But he always thought that he had to stay strong and keep on living for his siblings. 

Once Luke had left his room, Alec crawled under the blankets again. An hour passed when he heard a knock on his door.  
The bubbly red head skipped into his room, plopping down on his bed.  
"Alec, we missed you at breakfast this morning."Clary said pulling the covers of his head.  
"Wasn't hungry. I slept in."  
"Okay but will you join me and Magnus, we're going to play some music, jam together..."  
"No"  
"You can't stay here, Alec"  
"Why not?" Alec looked at her. He started to feel angry, the blood boiling in his veins. He knew Clary meant well but he wasn't in the mood to see Magnus. Especially not after yesterday. He almost felt like a lovesick 16 year old girl.  
"Because it's good to be around people how like you!"  
"What do you know about that! Don't pretend for one second that you ever had difficulty making friends with people and people not liking you for who you are!" Alec had stood up from his bed, looking down on Clary, shouting at her.  
"Okay maybe not but..."  
"But nothing! I don't like you, I don't want to be friends with any of you. I have friends!"  
"You don't have friends, Alec. You have your brothers and sister, now stop being such a bitch and stop locking yourself in your room." Clary shouted back. She knew that that wasn't the best option for this situation. She had helped Luke for a long time know and shouting at the patients wasn't what she would have done. But Alec was so stubborn and so reservered. She just wanted to help. Deep down Alec knew that, but he wasn't ready to see them. Magnus had crushed his heart a bit. His heart that was already broken in so many pieces.  
Clary shouted something at Alec _Fine, then stay here!_. Alec let his back slide against the wall downwards to the floor. He placed hishead in his hands as tears started to fall down.

\---  
_All you've ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you_

Alec was listening to his Ipod in his room, laying on the floor, not even bothering to stand up.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"  
Magnus stormed into his room, raging.  
"What the hell did Clary ever do to you!"  
"Please leave"Alec mumbled. It was then that Magnus could his eyes. His puffy, again, red eyes from crying. again.  
"What the fuck, Alec. Why did you yell at her?"  
"She....i......I....I just" Alec couldn't find the words. He knew he was in the wrong here.  
"Have you been crying?" Magnus sat down on the floor next to where Alec layed. Alec just closed his eyes "Like you care" He answered.

_I've been watching your world from afar,_  
_I've been trying to be where you are,_  
_And I've been secretly falling apart,_  
_I'll see._

"I do, you know I do" Magnus spoke. He looked at the beauty that was Alec. Still laying there with his eyes closed. From the first moment he had seen him, he felt butterflies in his stomach. He was so beautiful with his dark hair and bright eyes, always his favorite combination on someone. And the best part was that he didn't even seem to know he was gorgeous. He was kind and shy and careful with the world. He didn't know that much about Alec. Accept that he was gay and had issues with his parents. He knew that his uncle, who he loved so much, had died. he didn't know how but he knew Alec's world crashed down when it happened. He knew about Alec's anxiety disorder and he also knew he was no good for him. But he wanted him so badly. That's why he pretented that the kiss had meant nothing to him. That it was just a dare. What he would give to feel those lips back on his.  
"No i don't. You are a mystery to me" Alec had said. 

_To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,_  
_You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,_  
_You turn every head but you don't see me._

"I am not a mysterious man. I know i don't tell you everything but you don't either so..."  
"It's just..." Alec whispered  
"I know you find it hard to trust people, Alexander, but you can trust me." The sound of him saying his full name sent a shiver down his spine.  
"okay i'll try" Alec whispered again, sitting up straight. His legs brushing against Magnus's. How could someone be so close, yet feel so far away.  
"Let's go. But first apologize to Clary, sweetheart, you owe here." And with that Magnus darted out of his room again. 

_You turn every head but you don't see me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alec... :'( I'll update as soon as i can.
> 
> Hope you all liked it. xxx


	8. This is the way you left me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec finally tells Luke what happened to his uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos! Let's see how the story continues.
> 
> The songs in this chapter  
> Title + first cursive bit = Mika - Happy Ending  
> Christina Perri - Jar of hearts  
> Ryandan - Tears of an angel

Alec had followed Magnus towards Clary's room. He did apologise and Clary, the good girl that she was, accepted. She must have known how to handle these situations when she was voluntering here. He stayed for a bit, listening to Magnus and Clary talk on and on about some tvshow Alec did not watch. Alec also attented lunch and diner that day, not really eating but just drinking his water. Somehow he learned himself to manage without feeling hungry. 

After his breakdown, he knew he could not hold all his feelings inside anymore. So he walked towards Luke's office and knocked on the door. Luke answered and Alec sat down on the big, soft, red sofa that took all the attention in Luke's office.  
"Alec, what can I do for you?" Luke said softly, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair.  
"I think i'm ready" Alec said with a small voice. 

_This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending_  
_No hope, no love, no glory. No happy ending_  
_This is the way that we love, like it's forever_  
_Then live the rest of our lives, but not together_

"When I was younger, my parents were always busy. Busy with work. Because we were to young to take care of ourselves, our uncle always stayed with us. He was such a great and wonderful person. He made sure we stayed healthy, eat healthy and that we had time to be kids. My uncle loved my mom. He was her little brother and he always admired her for her passion and ambition.....And he loved us. He never had a wife and my mom had always thought that that was weird. He was a really goodlooking man so she thought that when he took care of us, he sorta had a family, her family. My uncle saw some of himself in me. He struggled with some mental issues himself and he always made sure that I was feeling okay. And Izzy was, ofcourse, his little princess". 

_I've learned to live half alive_

Alec hadden't noticed the tears streaming down his face until Luke had reached out to him, handing his a tissue.

"I remember this one day when I came home from school. I was in a rotten mood, some kids were always picking on me and I was always to afraid to say something back. My uncle wasn't there, but my mom was. She yelled and ran around like a crazy person. Telling us that our uncle wasn't coming again, ever, to look after us. I remember locking myself in my room and screaming. He was the only thing that kept me grounded, that made me feel that it was okay to be me. My parents had never understood me the way that he did. That's when I started cutting. I did it a couple of times, enough to leave my arms scarred for the rest of my live. But my uncle reached out to me, because he wanted to tell me what had happened". 

"I met up with my uncle, at the local park. He told me that my mom didn't want him in our house because he was gay. He never had a wife because he didn't like women that way and he asked me how I felt about that. He said he knew how I felt about Jace. And ofcourse, he was right. I just didn't know that at the time. I told him that I did not care, I still thought he was the greatest uncle ever. But not seeing us and his beloved sister started to break him. He had a relationship with a man that went on and off because he had to many mental issues and his partner couldn't deal with that all the time. Until it was to late."

_Cover my eyes, cover my ears. Tell me these words are a lie_

"My mom kept ignoring him and just before he died, he was at our house. She yelled at him. That he was a liar and a sick person. She brought up God and religion and that it was wrong. He just wanted her love and....he never got it from her. When she screamed that he had to leave and could never see us again, my uncle noticed me standing in the hallway. He ran towards me, he just wanted to give me a hug. And when he did, my mom hit him and told him that he shouldn't touch me. She didn't want me to get his 'disease'. He left after that and the next morning my mom got a call from his partner, saying that he had found my uncle in the bathtub. He had taken some pills, stepped into the bathtub and died."

_It can't be true, that I'm losing you. The sun cannot fall from the sky_

"He couldn't cope with his own sister, the person he had loved and admired so much, hating him like that. I still don't know how my mom feels about his death. She never spoke about him again, only sometimes when she's angry at me. She always says that I'm so much like him, that we're so alike. That's why I have never told her that I too am gay. I don't want her hating me more then she already does, because I remind her every day of him."

"Alec, this is.... I can't imagine what it feels like for you. But I am so so proud that you decided to trust me." And that's when it happened again. Alec started to breath heavy. He knew that he did good, telling Luke but he started to have a panic attack. He made choking sound, felt hot and started to look as white as a sheet.  
"Alec, Alec, stay here. Just breathe. In.....and out....and in....and out!" Luke had said. Alec couldn't see him, but he heard his voice. And Luke's voice was the last thing he heard before he blacked out.

\----

Magnus was walking towards his room again when he saw Luke and a doctor talking in the hallway.  
".....I think it is best that you let him rest for a while. Mister Lightwood has had these prescriptions before so he will be familiar with them."  
They were talking about Alec, so he rushed to Luke's side.  
'Where's he?" he said, or really screamed.  
"He's asleep in my office. Just don't...."  
But before Luke could finish his sentence, Magnus had already burst into his office.  
On the red sofa, looking almost like a child, layed Alec. His hair sticking up in every direction, his face looking relaxed but puffy from crying, he thought. He looked so broken and so vulnerable.

\----

Alec awoke to someone stroking his hair. He felt a warm hand, the same hand as before, on top of his. He didn't want to open his eyes, not just yet. It felt safe.  
When he did open his eyes he stared right into the golden eyes of Magnus. He smiled softly at him.  
"How do you feel?" Magnus asked him.  
"Better, much better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. I hope you enjoyed it. It was a hard chapter to write so I am curious what you all think. Thanks for reading xxx


	9. Cause you've been hurt before...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec starts to feel better and talks to Clary about his feelings for Magnus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you want to, you can always leave a comment
> 
> xoxo
> 
> Songs
> 
> Dj snake ft. justin Bier - Let me love you  
> Demi Lovato - Give your heart a break

Keeping in a secret, a story that no-one else knows about, can kill you inside. It makes you feel awful, stressed and your heart aches. Telling Luke about his secret, Alec felt better, lighter, happier. At least, the happiest that he could be. The pills the doctor prescriped made it easier to relax and fall asleep. Alec hadden't slept that well in years. After Magnus had found him in Luke's office, he kept silently calming Alec. With his hands, warm and gentle, stroking his hair and his hand. When he felt better, Alec went to his room and slept for what seemed like 3 days. When he finally left his room again, he walked towards the dining room, grabbing a small sandwich and a bottle of water. 

"Dude, seriously, you can't cannot like him. His voice is A-MA-ZING. I heard he wanted to sing opera or something." Simon was so excited that he stood up, his hands flying all over the place.  
"Okay, he is okay, i guess," Lydia said and took a bite of her apple.  
"Hi Alec!" Magnus was the first one to notice him. "Is that all you're gonna eat today?"  
Magnus was always worried about Alec's eating habits. He looked so thin, his shirt hanging on his body, almost exposing his shoulder because it was to big on him.  
Alec just nodded, flashed a small smile and sat down.  
"I am glad you're feeling better again." Lydia placed her hand on Alec's.  
"Thanks Lydia." He just said and took the cap of his bottle, swallowing the pill he took with him.  
"Are you sure you're okay?" Magnus whispered in his ear, his head so close he could almost feel his lips against his earlobe. Alec swallowed hard. Not wanting to show how much Magnus always affected him. Magnus was the one who could make him feel calm again, but on the other end made his heart race a thousand miles.  
Alec flashed Magnus a small smile and nodded. "I'm really okay" He said softly

\---  
Alec and Magnus continued like this for a couple of days. Magnus worrying about Alec and Alec assuring him he was okay. Sometimes Magnus touched Alec on his arm or on his knee when they sat next to eachother, making Alec's blood boil and his cheeks flame. Alec was beginning to wonder what he meant to Magnus. He always seemed so closed of of his own feelings. Never telling him about how he felt or his past. He only told Alec stories that were funny or he rambled about relationships or fashionchoices of celebrities.  
Alec was sitting in the musicroom with Clary. He played the piano, she was singing. Clary had just arrived from her college and came in to hang out with Magnus. He was, however, still in session with Luke so Alec kept her company.  
"Clary, can I ask you something?"  
"Of course" she turned around and walked towards Alec, sitting down next to him on the pianostool  
"How much do you really know of Magnus?"  
"Maybe,.....maybe you should ask him that yourself. I don't want to go behind his back"  
That was the most frustrating answer she could have given him.  
"Please, he never tells me anything about himself"  
"Yes, Magnus is very mysterious that way."Clary smiled "I know the reason why he is here, but I am not gonna tell you. Magnus is my friend and I promised....But Magnus may be mysterious but he.....no.......He has a reason" Clary stammered so much, choosing her words carefully.  
"It's just....I " Alec mumbled  
"You like him?"  
" No....I mean...I don't kno-"  
"It's okay Alec. You can trust me. I won't tell if you don't want me to" Clary placed her hand on Alec's shoulder and smiled. Alec looked at Clary, yes he could trust her. She was there from day one and he felt safe around her. Luke had taught him to think before starting to panic. Always going through his mind if he trusted the person he was with, or not.  
"I don't know, really I don't. He just makes me feel....safe"  
"He has a very big heart." Clary said "I think he likes you too. At least...when you were feeling....bad... he worried about you, so much. He always wanted to check up on you."  
"But he said....after the dare.....he said...about the kiss."  
Alec was never good with words. Although he trusted Clary, talking about himself or his feelings was hard.  
"That it was just a dare? I know...but I don't think he really felt like that. I don't know....you really should ask him"  
"No....i can't, he would laugh at me" 

"Who would laugh at you?" He walked right into the room, being as graceful as always, leaning against the piano with his hands on his hips.  
"Oh hi Magnus" the softest sound ever came out of Alec's mouth. "My brother...we were talking about Jace"  
"Really?" Magnus looked at Clary  
"Yes I have been texting with him and I wanted Alec to ask him something." Clary spoke. Alec did not know Clary had been speaking with Jace but he tried to hide his surprise.  
"I am going to the bathroom" Clary stood up and left the boys, Alec knew why she did that.

_Don't you give up_  
_I won't give up_  
_Let me love you_

"So...Everything was good.....went good.....uhm.....with Luke I mean" Alec stumbled on his words  
"yes" Magnus smiled, making Alec feel all warm inside. Telling Luke about his uncle gave Alec a little more confidence. He trusted Magnus, at least he wanted to trust him. But not knowing much about him made it hard.  
"Can I ask you something?" Alec repeated the question he also ask Clary. Magnus nodded. He walked around Alec and sat down on the stool, where Clary had sat before.  
"About....I.....I just want to know....why...what" Alec stopped stuttering when Magnus placed a finger before his mouth, silencing him.  
"Relax Alec. You can ask me anything. Just breathe"  
"What do you think of me?" Alec closed his eyes for a bit. Waiting for Magnus to answer.  
"I think you're very kind. I also think that you always try to hard. You're a great person Alec, you're sweet, humble and very cute" Alec choked a bit when Magnus had said cute.  
"When we kissed...did you...." Alec felt Magnus' hand on his knee, moving a bit, and froze.  
"I liked our kiss but...."  
But before Magnus could finish his sentence, Alec had taking a hold of his shirt and crashed his lips on him. Finding a new kind of confidence, he moved his lips against Magnus'. Alec didn't know much about kissing, just the things he saw on tv and movies, but took charge anyway. This was the best feeling. Magnus so close next to him, sitting on the same pianostool, sides pressed together. Magnus opened his mouth a bit and Alec took this as his change to kiss him deeper, running his tongue first against his bottom lip and then inside Magnus' mouth. Alec let go of Magnus' shirt, sliding his hand behind his back, stroking the bit of skin that wasn't covered with his shirt.  
The wonderful feeling of kissing Magnus was cut short by Magnus himself, pushing softly against Alec's chest.  
"As much as I like this, Alec, I can't do this."  
Alec's heart sank in his chest.  
"Why not? You like me, I know you do.....or at least I think you do!" Alec said louder, louder than Magnus had ever heard Alec speak  
"I do, I really do, Alexander-" Alec trembled at the use of his full name. "But you don't know me. You don't know what I have done!"  
"Then tell me! You never tell anything about yourself" Alec stood up, towering over Magnus, making him feel small.  
"It's better if you don't know," and with that, he walked away. crossing Clary in the doorway, pulling her along. 

_Cause you've been hurt before_  
_I can see it in your eyes_  
_You try to smile it away,_  
_some things you can't diguise_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the new chapter. I promise there will be more Malec soon.


	10. It's where my demons hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how incredibly sweet you guys are. Thanks for the lovely comments, it motivated me to update sooner. 
> 
> So let's continue with the story. 
> 
> Songs:  
> The script - nothing  
> Imagine dragons - demons  
> Marianas trench - good to you

_I wanted words, but all I heard was nothing_

Clary looked at Magnus, disappearing in the hallway, and then at Alec. Standing in the middle of the musicroom, his face flustered and red, eyes watery.  
"Alec, please, tell me what happened?" Clary knew that if she let him be, he would go to his room and lock himself up for a week or so. Knowing Alec, he would sink back again. Luke had told her once that it was always a little step forwards and a lot back with the kids in this grouphome. They were unpredictable like that  
"It's nothing." Alec mumbled and wanted to walk past clary but she stuck her arm out and grabbed him close to her. This was a risk, she knew. She wrapped her arms around Alec, knowing that he might need it and hugged him.  
Alec panicked a bit. He wasn't used to people hugging him, only Izzy hugged him. But Clary, again, felt safe. He wrapped his arms around her en hid his face in the crook of her neck. Silently crying against her shoulder. 

After a couple of minutes, the tears had dried on his cheecks. He pulled away from Clary, saying thanks very softly.  
"Alec, you know you can tell me anything right?"  
"Yeah I know. It's just......I......I finally" Alec stuttered leaning against the door, sinking down to the floor.  
"What did Magnus do? I know he can be a bit much sometimes." She smiled nervously.  
"He.....I....I kissed him and he admitted that he liked it but that it was better if we didn't because I didn't know anything about him. But how can I know something about him if he never tells me anything"  
Clary looked a bit shocked at rambling Alec. She never heard him say that many words in one sentence.  
"It will be okay, Alec, I promise." She placed her hand on his knee. " I'm gonna see if he's alright. Do you want me to say something to him?"  
Alec shook his head, got up and ran back to his room.

_I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you_  
_But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide_

Clary had knocked on Magnus's door a couple times with no reply  
"Magnus, please, it's me!" She said  
Magnus opened the door and let her in, looking into the hallway.  
"I can't, biscuit, you know why!"  
"I honestly don't know what just happened." She flopped down on the bed and Magnus did the same, laying his head on her legs  
"He looked so brave and cute and I just.....I couldn't resist. I know I shouldn't have kissed him back. I let him on."  
"Yeah, you've been talking for weeks now about how cute and gorgeous he is. But you can't do this to him! You know what happened the last time he panicked"  
"I know, i know. I am a horrible person"  
"You, my sweet friend, are a dramaqueen" Clary smiled at him. "Just tell him. I think he can handle more then he let's on."  
"I can't. He won't think of me the same when he knows. Even though I am pretty fabulous." Clary hit his head.  
"Then tell him! Do it for me. I am growing dizzy here watching you circle around eachother." Magnus laughed at her. He crushed on Alec as soon as he took sight of him. He was so handsome but so troubled. He wanted to help him, gain confidence, gain weight. Alec was breaking himself down inside and he wanted to build him up.  
"I have a plan..."  
\----  
_Don't get to close, it's dark inside_  
_It's where my demons hide_

Alec had cried for another hour. He thought Magnus felt the same about him. What could be so big that he couldn't. Was it because his scars, because he was almost certain that nobody had seen them because he always wore long sleeves. Was it because he was so screwed up and that he was to much of a problem.  
Alec stood up and walked towards the mirror in his bathroom. The dark circles around his eyes and his pale skin made him look more like the walking dead. His body was to thin, there were some remains of muscles in his biceps and on his stomach, but mostly it was just pale skin and bones. He understood why no-one would want to be with someone who looked like that.  
He tried killing himself once and then screamed about it a couple of times. That was when his mother sent him here. She wouldn't let him go. Alec knew there were good things in life but facing his demons and insecurities everyday was hard. He was about to turn on the shower when he heard a knock on his door and saw a small paper on the ground.  
**Music room, Now!**

Alec walked towards the music room not knowing what to think of it. But he wanted to take a chance, for once.  
There was Magnus, sitting on the piano stool and Clary closing the door behind Alec.  
"I know you are not good with words. And sometimes....I'm not either. I can't tell you everything about myself right away, I don't know you good enough for that but.....i want to try. I will tell you someday...but not now. I know you like me, you made that pretty clear by kissing me...." Magnus was holding his monologue. Alec smiled at the kissing part. "And I think you know how I feel. I can't say it, but I can sing it"  
Magnus started hitting the notes on the piano beautifully, making Alec's eyes water. He sang a bit and then Clary sang a bit. Later they joined eachother in a perfect harmony. Magnus looking at Alec the entire time.

_And now I do want you to know_  
_I hold you up, above everyone_  
_And now I do want you to know, I think_  
_you'd be good to me and I'd be so good to you_

When they finished all Alec could do was walk towards him. Him with his beautiful voice, eyes and just everything. Magnus still sat down on the stool and Alec towered over him, placing his hands on his cheeks, leaning down and crashing his lips on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like Magnus, I couldn't resist anymore. I couldn't keep them apart....but it won't go smoothly.....
> 
> Hope you all liked it 
> 
> xoxo


	11. Electricity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of a romance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY...thank you so much for the lovely comments. Let's continue this shall we....xoxox
> 
> Songs in this chapter  
> Billy Elliot the musical - Electricity  
> Coldplay - the scientist

_Electricity, sparks inside of me...._

That's what it felt like. They kissed before but this time, it was different. His soft lips against his own. Just touching, not moving at all. They pulled away and Clary squealed and held her hands together.  
"Finally," she smiled. But Alec couldn't care less. Normally he would be uncomfortable or embarrased, but looking into those golden eyes...he couldn't care less. They stayed in the musicroom for a bit, talking and jamming some music. Clary went home and Magnus and Alec went to diner.  
They sat next to eachother, Magnus's plate fully loaded and Alec's not.  
"No don't do that," Alec said when Magnus shoved some of his mashed potatoes onto Alec's plate.  
"Eat! no bitching!" Magnus smiled at him, bumping his shoulder a bit.  
Alec silently ate, small bites, slowly chewing on his food and Magnus looked like he had just won the lotery.  
"I'm proud of you," he whispered in his ear  
"Why?" Alec played with his fork, sticking it into the mash and out  
"Because you're eating. I know that's difficult for you." He squeezed Alec's hand and kissed his cheek

After diner Alec followed Magnus to his room, laying down on the bed together. Except for the lamp on Magnus' desk, the room was dark. Alec lay on his back, his hair fanned out over the pillow. Magnus curled into his side and played with the dark mess on top of Alec's head. Alec hadden't felt safe like this in a long time, sometimes closing his eyes because the feeling of Magnus's hands in his hair relaxed him.  
"Tell me something," Alec spoke softly, humming when Magnus's fingers massaged his scalp.  
"You know I told you that I..." he started  
"Yeah I know, but there are still things left you can tell me?"  
"Let me think....." Magnus twisted a strand of hair around his finger. "I liked you the moment you walked into the grouptherapy sessions, with your hood on....and....you've changed so much since then."  
Alec smiled turning on his side, facing Magnus. He leaned forward, brushing his lips against Magnus's. When he was about to pull away, Magnus pulled him in closer, pressing his hand on the small of his back. Tilting his head a bit to gain better access to Alec's mouth. Alec felt brave, running his tongue against Magnus's lip, Magnus granted permission by opening his mouth. There tongues touching gentle.  
Alec froze when Magnus's hand made his why under his longsleeve shirt. Sitting up straight in an instant.  
"I ....I think i'm gonna go." Alec stammered, jumping of the bed.  
And before Magnus could say anything, the door closed and Alec was gone.

\----  
Alec didn't see Magnus the next morning at breakfast. He hadden't seen him in the hallways and not in the tv or musicroom.  
Kissing Magnus was one thing, but letting him see more of him...That was too much.  
Alec sat down on the big couch in Luke's office, ready for his therapy session.  
"So how are you feeling today?"Luke asked him, taking a pen from his desk, sitting down in the chair next to the couch.  
"Better, i think."  
"You think?"  
"Yeah, I mean, I feel happier, a little bit at least. I feel like some people here really want to be my friend. I am beginning to trust them a little bit." Alec played with the holes of his black, faded jeans.  
"Glad to hear that, Alec, can you tell me which people you're talking about?"  
"Clary, she hugged me the other day and I didn't even freak out. I really like Simon, I think we like the same music and stuff.....and then there's Magnus..." Alec breathed  
"Yeah, I am sorry for saying this but Clary told me something about that."  
Alec's cheeks burned. That was really not what he'd wanted. He should talk to Clary about that.  
"You get along really well right?" Luke smiled softly at Alec. The embarresment faded away.  
"Yes we do. But It's still hard to let him see.....what...I mean..."  
"It's hard to show him the real you?"  
Alec nodded  
"It's not just that it's.....I know I am not healthy. With the whole not-eating thing and stuff....He always lookes so confident and I am just....me"  
"Everybody has their own insecurities, Alec. Maybe you don't see it, but that doesn't mean that they aren't there."  
Alec started to think about it. Sure, Magnus could feel insecure about things, but he was also really goodlooking. He was charming and although he pretended that he didn't always know what to say, to him he did. Alec was always shy, never wore short sleeves because of his scars, he didn't have a hot body because he didn't eat that much. How could Magnus ever like someone like that. Kissing Magnus was the best thing in the world. But kissing always leads to more. It scared him. Alec hadden't really done stuff in that area. He was a virgin and even touching other boys hadden't happened. Sure he liked other boys before, but they never liked him back. He was to stuck in his own world to experiment on that territory.  
"I know you're scared, but some people might surprise you. Not everyone is out to hurt you." Luke spoke, laying his hand on Alec's shoulder. 

_Tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are_

When Alec left Luke's office, he walked straight into Magnus. He was outside Luke's office, waiting for his own therapy session.  
"Alexander..." He spoke  
"Magnus, I'm....I am really..." He stumbled on his words  
" I know" Magnus said, grabbing Alec by his shoulders and crushing him in a hug. He wrapped his arms around Alec and held him close. Alec layed his head on Magnus's shoulder, turning his head a bit so his face was against his neck.  
Feeling so safe and warm inside at that moment, only to be crashed down from his high a second later when he heard Luke's voice say the worst thing. 

"Alec, I forgot. Your mother called. She wants to visit you"

_Nobody said it was easy..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a bit of....i don't know. I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> xoxo


	12. beside you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bit of fluff....it can't be angsty all the time ;) 
> 
> Song in chapter is Beside you from Marianas Trench

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels like forever since I updated....but it was my birthday so....kinda forgot. But i'm back now and I wanted to thank you again for the comments and kudos. You've no idea how much they mean to me.
> 
> On with the story
> 
> The pov's keep changing a bit because I wanted to catch both of the sides of the situation

Sometimes when you eat to fast and something gets stuck in your throat, you get this horrible feeling. That's what it felt like. Something blocking his throat making it harder to swallow. Alec forgot...he kinda forgot about his parents. The group home was his home, the people there liked him for who he was. He didn't have to pretend to be someone he wasn't. His mother coming to visit and see him was kind of a set back. 

"What?" Alec said, letting go of Magnus a bit. Magnus felt Alec's body stiffen so he held his hand on his upperarm.   
"Your mother called me, she wanted to see you," Luke walked towards Alec. "It will be okay, Alec. You've grown so much."  
"What about my dad?"   
"I don't know, she didn't say," Luke gave Alec a soft smile, he knew what this meant for Alec.   
Alec looked at Magnus and looked away again. Magnus tried to catch Alec's eyes but they were distant.   
"Magnus, can you take Alec to his room, please?" Luke asked, Magnus nodded.  
Alec felt Magnus hand in his own. He followed Magnus to his room and sat down on the bed when they had reached it.  
"Alec, are you okay?" Magnus placed his hand on Alec's knee  
"I don't really know....right now."  
"Come on.....come here" Magnus spoke softly, wrapping his arms around Alec.  
He layed back down on the bed, holding Alec with all that he had. 

_When your tears are spent, on your last pretense_   
_and your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense_

Alec woke up with a strong pair of arms wrapped around him. Holding him, comforting him.  
He couldn't help but smile. This was the one good thing that came out of this whole situation. Magnus. Just the sound of his name was enough for Alec to melt into a puddle of nothing. He was so caring and sweet. And it helped that he was hot as hell. From his beautiful, sometimes colored, hair, to his golden eyes, his strong arms and his amazing back. Magnus was there for him.  
He turned around in Magnus's arms and looked at his face. He looked so cute sleeping, his lips in this little pout. Alec leaned in and kissed him on the lips. When he pulled away, Magnus's eyes fluttered open staring right into Alec's soul.   
"Hi" He whispered. "Feeling better?"   
He was feeling better and it was all because of him. And instead of answering Magnus with words, he leaned forward answering him with his lips. Alec kissed him again, catching his bottom lip between his own, lighty sucking on it. That earned a moan from Magnus who gladly replied by kissing Alec back.   
Alec decided then and there that he would never get enough of kissing Magnus. The taste of him on his lips was all he needed...like ever.  
Magnus moved his lips against Alec's. Touching carefully, nibbing at Alec's bottom lip, which earned a moan back.  
"You're beautiful." Magnus breathed heavy "You have no idea"  
And in his eyes, Alec was beautiful. He could never get his head around the fact how gorgeous he really was. Those big eyes and his dark hair, that sweet smile he only showed to a handful of people. Alec was so pure, this could be his time. His time to find that one person he could trust and love completely.  
Alec leaned back in, hungry for more. His tongue running against Magnus's bottom lip and then when Magnus opened his mouth touching his tongue against his own. He wanted more, so much more, all that he could have.  
After kissing for a couple of minutes, Magnus pulled away. He looked at Alec, his lips swollen from kissing. His cheeks had turned into this perfect shade of red. This was the part where they stopped and where Alec had freaked out last time. Maybe he was ashamed of his thin and pale body.   
"May I?"  
Alec looked scared but answered anyway  
"Yes but.....I....please don't...I mean" Magnus silenced Alec by placing his finger in front of his mouth. 

_Trust me, trust me. Don't pull away_

"You are beautiful" He said, again, and kissed him on the lips. Not knowing what secrets Alec had hidden under his long and baggy clothes.   
His hand went under Alec's shirt, against the small of his back. He felt soft and warm. His hand slid up his spine until it reached Alec's shoulder. He pulled Alec closer, kissing him with all he had. He sat back on his knees, taking Alec's shirt in both his arm, lifting it over his head. Alec looked away and Magnus immediately knew why.   
There was a small tattoo on his chest, on the place where Alec's beautiful heart was. But the rest of his body, mostly his arms, where covered in tiny scars. Just white lines, scars from the things that Alec did to himself. He knew Alec had mentioned them once, when they were talking late. But Alec didn't seem to know that he told Magnus about them. Magnus remembered and wondered what it would look like. And now that he saw them he felt sad and proud at the same time.   
Sad that this beautiful boy, this shy but lovely boy, hurt himself like this. But proud that it were old scars and that Alec got over it. In Magnus's eyes, it meant that Alec wanted to get better. That was all he could ask for.

_Nobody will break you_

"Look at me" He placed his hand on Alec's cheek. Forcing him to look at him.   
"You are still so beautiful.....and really hot I might say" That made Alec smile a bit and he crushed his lips back on Magnus before pulling Magnus's shirt over his head. Alec pulled Magnus back, making him land on top of him. He spread his legs a bit so that Magnus layed between them and kept kissing him.   
Alec had never really done anything with other boys, so feeling Magnus between his legs was getting much very fast. It didn't help that Magnus not only could kiss heavenly, but kept grinding a bit into Alec. Making him more and more uncomfortable.  
"Wait" he spoke, pushing Magnus up a bit.  
"I really like this...and I really like you but... I.."  
"You're a virgin? That's okay Alec" Magnus spoke quickly  
"Not only that... I haven't really done anything with a boy...since I haven't been with anyone ever" Alec closed his eyes at his confession. Not wanting to see the reaction of Magnus.  
"It's okay, Alexander. It will be hard...no pun intended...because you're like really....mrrrmm" He kissed Alec again. "But I don't want you to be uncomfortable. So you can decide the pace of all this. Okay?"  
"You're the best, you know that right?" Alec smiled and gave Magnus a soft sqeeuze in his but.  
"Yeah I know I'm fabulous" He laughed and kissed Alec again. 

_I'll be right beside you..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked this piece of fluff....
> 
> xoxo


	13. How are you to know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has a plan and Alec has a question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that we could wait another chapter before bringing back Maryse...because....we need to get ready for that. This is kind of a filler before the lightwoods show up. 
> 
> Songs:  
> paramore - I hate to see your heart break  
> Paramore - Now  
> Chainsmokers - Roses  
> Major Lazer ft. Justin Bieber- Cold water

_And I hate to see your heart break_

When Alec left Magnus's room, he missed him immediately.  
Being alone, like almost his whole life, Magnus didn't understand why Alec loved his mother that much. Bit by bit Alec told Magnus about his family. His eyes light up when he talked about his siblings, but darkness clouded them when he talked about his parents. How is it possible for someone to love someone who hurts you all the time? Who never lets you be yourself? Alec's heart was bigger than his pretty head. He just hoped that Alec didn't slip back into depression when his parents would come.

For Magnus his friends were his family. Clary and Simon and of course Alec. The look in his eyes when Luke told Alec that his mother wanted to come here, was horrible. All the light and happiness in his face dissapeared. It was like that a lot of days. One step forward, two steps back. That's why he never bothered to tell Alec about his past, it would only hurt him.  
Magnus was a selfish person, or at least selfish when it came to the people he loved. He wanted Alec, he needed him and although he knew that if Alec knew the truth about him and he would run away, he was going to be selfish. Not telling Alec about his past was maybe not the best option but losing Alec was worse. 

_Don't try to take this from me now_

Being selfish meant making Alec as happy as he could. That's when he got an idea. Stumbling out his door and running towards Luke. He knocked on Luke's door, a bit to hard.  
"Magnus, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Luke smiled  
"What if......pfff"Magnus tried to catch his breath " What if I organise a talent show concert thingie....so that our family can come and watch if they want. It's almost the end of this month and that the families come here anyway for the family therapy groups sessions?"  
"I like it! We will tell the rest at grouptherapy okay? Great idea Magnus! But....are you going to be okay with that. All the siblings and families coming and yours..."  
"Yes!" Magnus was beaming. Anything for his Alexander. So he wouldn't feel so trapped with his mother showing up here. 

The grouptherapy session went great. They were all making progress, except Lydia who had a bit of a set back.  
"Now i wanted to tell you something, or do you want to do it Magnus?" Luke spoke  
Alec who sat beside Magnus looked at his boyfriend? Was he his boyfriend? They didn't really talk about it. He hoped he would want to be his boyfriend. Magnus meant so much to him. With his mother coming to visit in a short period of time, he needed Magnus, all of him.  
"Yes. As you now all of our parents, siblings and what not show up at the end of every even month. For therapy and progress conversations. What if we perform our greatest talents. Like a show...then we have a goal to really work on instead of...doing like...nothing really?" Magnus moved his hands gracefully while speaking. Alec wondered if Magnus was aware of how he moved. He was a vision to look at when he spoke. Alec could listen to him all day.  
Most of the group thought it was a good idea. Simon and Lydia were already discussing what they were going to do. Only Alec seemed a bit out of place and Magnus, being focused on Alec all the time, noticed.  
"What's up darling?" Alec raised an eyebrow at the last word  
"Seriously Magnus, you chose that word?"  
"Okay, I will think about another way to call you, _Alexander >" _  
Alec felt all the little hairs that covered his long neck stand up at that beautiful sound. Magnus had bewitched him.  
" Nothing I was just thinking" Alec smiled at Magnus, brushing his thumb over Magnus's knuckles.  
"About?"  
" What I am going to do at the concert thingie? I really want to show my mother how good this place makes me feel"  
"We could always practice together if you like to?"  
Alec blushed "I'd like that"

_Say you'll never let me go_

They had been in the musicroom for some time now. Everyone minding his own business. Thinking about what they wanted to perform. Magnus had already contacted Clary if she wanted to make some decors and some art to decorate for the show.  
Alec was sitting at the piano, his long fingers gliding over the black and white keys. He always looked like he'd belong there. Like the piano felt like home, felt safe. A beautiful melody surrounded the entire room. With closed eyes Alec played until he felt someone standing over him. A hand sliding from his shoulder, to his chest, to his stomach. Normally this would freak him out but within seconds he knew to whom that hand belonged.  
"Come with me" Magnus whispered in his ear, grabbing Alec's hand and pulling him up. Alec followed Magnus to his room and once the door closed behind Alec, he felt his back clash against the wall and Magnus crash against his lips.  
"I wanted to do that....for like...the entire day now" Magnus breathed, pressing his lips to Alec's with hunger.  
Alec, once he was over the shock, kissed him back with passion. But in the back of his mind, he kept repeating the same word over and over again _Boyfriend_  
"Wait, please, Magnus mrrm" Alec said between the kisses. Magnus pulled away, smiling like an idiot  
"What?" He then attacked Alec's neck, Sucking and licking the spot below his ear, making his knees almost give out.  
"Do you want to....Magnus....Are you my?"  
Magnus pulled back again, brushing a strand of hair behind Alec's ear  
"My sweet Alexander, what is it you want to ask?"  
"Are you my.......Magnus, will you....would you like to be my?" Alec stumbled and stumbled and he hit his hand against his forehead.  
Magnus knew what Alec wanted to ask, it was obvious. So he helped Alec out, like he would want to do for the rest of his life.  
"Alexander Lightwood, would you do me the honor of becoming my boyfriend?" 

_I hope you know, I won't let go_

And then he just stared at him, golden eyes met his own. He asked what he couldn't say without stumbling over his own words.  
"Yes" Alec spoke soft and beamed  
"Uhm.....I couldn't understand that" Magnus teased, earning a soft punch onto his shoulder  
"YES" Alec almost shouted, crushing his lips back onto Magnus's 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it...they are official....I'm sorry it's so short. I promise to update very soon
> 
> xoxo


	14. Cough syrup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus feels comfortable enough to tell Alec what happend but something or someone gets in the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We continue...I am so sorry that this was later then expected but I had a synchronized swimming competition so....had to practice a lot. But we came in first place so it was good for something..
> 
> On with the story (once again...bit of a filler)

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down_

Days past and past. The dreaded day was coming closer and closer and Alec found himself at a crossroad with his feeling. On the one hand, he was super excited. He was hanging out with Magnus all the time, stealing kisses when nobody was looking. On the other hand he was getting more and more anxious. He knew he was doing better but the thought of his mom en dad showing up was breaking him inside. He wanted to see his family, at least Izzy and Jace and maybe Max would show up too. But his parents, not so much. Being the eldest kid of the lightwood clan came with a responsebility. He was always looking out for his sister and brothers.  
"Is anybody in there?" Magnus fake knocked on his forehead. He was currently laying on Magnus be, soft music playing in the background. Magnus was leaning against the headboard of the bed painting his nails.  
"I was just thinking..." Alec mumbled, putting his head in Magnus's side. He was giving him little kisses.  
"If you do that, sweetheart, I will mess up my nails" He smiled, leaning down, giving Alec a kiss on his forehead.  
Alec kept still, hugging Magnus's waist while he waited for Magnus to finish.

_I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control_

Magnus set the nailpolish bottle aside and noticed that Alec had fallen asleep. He looked so adorable, hugging his waist. His warm breath tickling the skin where his shirt had moved, exposing the tiniest strip of skin.  
Magnus let himself sink lower until he was face to face with Alec. He didn't want to wake him but he couldn't hold back. He as selfish.  
He kissed Alec on his lips, putting the tiniest bit of pressure onto them. Alec's eyes flew wide open, they looked scared.  
"Shh it's just me" Magnus whispered. Alec smiled, letting the breath out he held in.  
Then he scared Magnus by crashing his lips onto him, rolling over so that he was on top, straddling Magnus. Magnus pulled his shirt over his head, his hands gliding over Alec's chest.  
"What does this mean?" Magnus asked, tracing the black lines of Alec's tattoo that covered his heart.  
"Ermm...."Alec blushed "This one" He pointed at the lines on the right side of his tattoo "Means love. And this one means Parabatai...they're runes. A parabatai is a....it means a strong bond...a strong friendship...like almost being brothers"  
Alec looked at Magnus. Magnus saw the hurt in his eyes  
"Your uncle?"   
"Well the love one I got for my uncle. The other one...Jace and Izzy also have them. I miss them you know. It's so sad that I don't speak to them that much....you know...since i've been here. But this way, they are always with me."  
Magnus smiled and kissed Alec on the cheek. He couldn't understand what he had done to deserve this sweet and innocent boy. It was time....to talk

_If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away to some fortune that I should have found by now_

It was distracting...the way Alec was kissing his chest and neck. Lips ghosting over his stomach, moving upwards. Alec gently took a nipple in his mounth, sucking on it carefully, making Magnus moan. He licked his way towards to spot below Magnus's ear, the spot that always drove Magnus insane. Magnus pulled him upwards crashing his lips on him.  
"Alec, sweety, as much as I lov-" He was interupted again, by the beauty that was Alec.  
"I want to tell you something"Alec smiled and looked at Magnus  
" This is very hard for me to tell"  
Alec felt it coming. Magnus was going to tell him about his past and while he did want to know, he didn't want it to change what they had. He was handling his own problems quiet well these last couple of days. Alec pushed himself of of Magnus, putting his shirt back on. He couldn't do this. This was to much.  
"I wanted to tell you the reason that I am here.....it's because, my parents they are dead." Alec stood up from the bed. Slightly walking backwards once he had heard the word _dead_.  
"Please Alec...it's...i've been in foster care for almost half of my life. But the reason I am here is because I killed..."

It hung in the air. Magnus's voice and that word _killed_. Although Alec did not know the reasons...he couldn't handle it. And he didn't want to freak out in front of Magnus so he did the one thing he knew he could. He ran.  
He reached for the door, Magnus followed him. He heard his voice  
"Alec, please, let me explain what happened?"   
Get a grip Alec. He wanted to turn around but was forced to look at the person standing in the middle of the hallway. The person he dreaded to see  
"Hello Alexander"

_One more spoon of cough syrup now...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry....dun dun dun....
> 
> thanks for reading xoxo


	15. I can see no way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and his mother....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guess who's here...
> 
> Song used in chapter is Shake it out by Florence and the machine

Alec's mind was spinning. He went from happy, being with Magnus, to confused because he didn't know what Magnus wanted to tell him. It was his own fault though, he ran out on him. Sometimes he really hated himself. Being scared and panicking over nothing. But he couldn't handle words or stories about death and killing. He knew in his heart that Magnus wasn't a bad person but he didn't really knew Magnus at all. Alec told him about himself a lot. Magnus was the one who always stayed quiet when talking about the past.

Alec had always assumed that Magnus went through some bad shit because he never wanted to talk about himself. And now he wanted to...and Alec ran. But he didn't have time to think about that. He couldn't think about that when he saw that person waiting in the hallway.  
"Hello Alexander," his mother spoke. Walking towards Alec, hugging him. "I missed you!"  
"Hi....mom...yeah...missed you too." But not really.   
" And who is this?" She looked at Magnus, scanning him from top to bottom. A disgusted look on her face.  
"Hello Mrs Lightwood. My name is Magnus, I am Alec's b.."  
"He is my friend" Alec shouted. Not wanting Magnus to end that sentence. Magnus knew he wasn't out to his mom. Why would he introduce himself as his boyfriend?  
"Well, it is.... _nice_ to meet you," she said, not meaning what she was saying.  
Alec shook his head, wanting the thoughts in his head to dissappear. "What are you doing here? I though you were coming tomorrow?"  
"Your father and I were here for business. Your brothers and sister will be arriving tomorrow. And as long as we were already here I wanted to see you. Alexander what are you wearing honey?" She straightened his longsleeve shirt. "I thought you packed those lovely sweaters I bought you?"   
It was true. She always bought Alec clothes. Having the money for it, the most expensive brands. But Alec didn't want any of that. The sweaters she bought were still laying in his suitcase, stuffed in the bottom of his closet.   
Magnus was watching Alec interact with his mom. His shoulders hung, a sad look on his face and his mother trying to patronize him. Alec looked so small next to his mother. 

"Hello mrs Lightwood," Alec looked behind him and saw Luke approaching. "How are you today?"  
"I am fine. I wanted to discuss Alexander with you...Are you busy?"   
"Not at all, follow me"  
"I will be right back Alexander, why don't you wait in your room..." she looked from Alec to Magnus "Alone!" She added before walking away with Luke.  
"Alec are you o-.." Magnus started. He placed his hand on Alec's arm who shook it of.  
"Magnus...i can't ..." And he walked away leaving Magnus behind.

_It's hard to dance with a devil on your back_

Alec was laying on his bed. His mind running miles. He wanted Magnus to finish his story, he wanted to tell his mom the truth about him. He wanted so many things, but they never came out. He was always too scared to show who he really was. He was laying on his bed for half an hour before a knock shook him out of his thoughts.  
"Hello Alexander" His mom entered the room, Alec sat up straight crossing his legs.  
" I've spoken with Luke, he says you're doing really great."   
"Yeah it's going okay, i guess" Alec stammered  
"I just wanted to ask....you are seriously not friends with that _boy_ , that Magnus. He's no good for you, dear. He's just so.....out there. Did you see what he was wearing. He looked like he was about to perform the Rocky Horror Picture show"  
Alec had always liked the way Magnus dressed. It was so different from who Alec was. So loud, bright and so beautiful. He was a bit jealous of Magnus, that he could be who he was. His mother trash talking Magnus wasn't okay, he knew that, but he couldn't find the words to stand up for him.  
"Well...there aren't that many people here so..." He started  
" But sure there are some _normal_ people here, dear."   
Alec just sighed. The words crept inside him, wanting to come out but getting stuck in his throath.   
"Yeah I guess," he whispered  
" So tomorrow we will all come to visit you for the talent show and the therapy session. I hope you prepared a good song. Something nice, maybe a classis piece." As much as Alec hated his mom, he was grateful for one thing. Her support in his music. But she always wanted Alec to play classic pieces and nothing like the noise he listened to on his ipod.   
"I prepared a song yes" Alec felt so small next to his mom  
"Okay I will be back tomorrow. Why don't you read something or do something alone? I really hate it if you want to spend all your time with that friend of yours. You don't need those kind of people. You have your family right?"  
"Right" Alec whispered while his mother kissed his forehead and left his room.

Once his mother was away he screamed, as loud as he could. He felt so angry and sad at the same time. Like being trapped inside his mind and his body. Wanting so much but not doing anything. He kicked against his chair letting it fly to the other side of his room. He walked towards his closet, grabbing that suitcase, ripping apart the expensive sweaters his mom bought for him. The room that was once so clean and so bright was being trashed by it's owner. When Alec was done, he walked towards the bathroom, locking himself in and cried. 

_I can see no way, I can so no way...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. Hope you all liked this
> 
> xoxo


	16. A lack of color

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Maryse arrival...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So going a bit angsty on all of you again...it will get better soon I PROMISE!
> 
> Song in title and chapter =   
> A lack of color by Death cab for cutie  
> other song =  
> Hear you me by Jimmy eat world

_And when I see you, I really see you upside down_

Minutes turned into hours and hours passed. Alec looked more dead than alive. Dark circles around his eyes, eyes all puffy and red from crying his brains out. How could he let this happen? How could he lose control over himself again? He was doing so well. The only one who could make him feel better again was Magnus. He really liked him, maybe even loved him. he always saw Alec for Alec and not for the protector, the big brother. He didn't have to look out for him, he just cared. Alec splashed some water in his face, leaving the bathroom. His room still trashed.

He walked towards Magnus's room. He wanted to talk to him, he **needed** to talk to him. He could make everything better by touching him or smiling at hi. He knew he needed to apologise to Magnus because he ran out on him while he finally started to trust Alec. He knew that Magnus didn't trust people, not really, just Clary, Luke and Alec. He knocked on the door but there was no answer.  
He knocked again and the door opened  
"Hello Alec" He said cold. Alec immediately noticed that he didn't call him Alexander, like he normally did  
"Magnus....hi....i wanted to.." He couldn't even finish his sentence because Magnus put his hand against his chest  
"Listen to me Alec. I know that you have issues, but I have them too you know. I trusted you, I wanted to tell you about my past and you just ran away, you didn't say anything you just ran. Now, I know with your mother and all you might be feeling like shit now but I needed you too. I can't rely on you, Alec." Magnus finished talking. He noticed Alec's red eys and knew that he had been crying.  
"Look Alec, I don't want to hurt you but....if you want to be with me, than be WITH me. You can't just take of whenever you feel like it. You have to talk to me." Magnus looked at Alec, his own eyes tearing up  
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Alec whispered.  
"I know you're sorry, but I just need to think about me. I need to think if this, us, is a good idea. I really like you but sometimes like isn't enough."   
The words tumbled around in his brain. Like isn't enough, he needed to think if he wanted to be with Alec. There never really was anybody that wanted to be with Alec, except for his siblings. Magnus was the first person who took interest in him and he blew it. Before Magnus could say anything, he turned around and walked away, again. He could hear Magnus call his name but he didn't listen.

_There's a lack of color here_

Alec returned to his room, he felt numb. He wanted to feel something, just anything. The last times he was like this, he cut himself but he wasn't allowed to have sharp objects in his room. He couldn't release this, he needed to feel something to know that he was still alive.  
He walked towards the bathroom, locked himself in again. He took of his clothes and stood in the shower, turning the heat up and up until it left red marks over his shoulders and back

_What would you think of me now..._  
\---  
"I wanted to tell him, finally but he ran away," Magnus told Clary, who was sitting crosslegged on his bed facing Magnus. "And then his mom showed up and all hell broke lose. He came around to tell me he was sorry but....I really like him Clary!"  
"I understand sweetheart, you shouldn't let him control your live, even though he doesn't do it on purpose. I know you like him sweety" Clary took Magnus's hand in hers  
"He looked so sad when he stood here... He's just so unpredictable. His parents and stuff screwed him up pretty bad."  
"Mmm i wonder how his session goes tomorrow, with his family here."  
"Clary, I am worried about him. He looked so sad." Magnus let his head fall down. "Would you like to go and check on him. He trusts you. I can't go to him know, because then he will look at me with his beautiful eyes and I forget everything. I can't do this again, not after everything I dealt with with Camille."  
"Shh it's okay Magnus" She wiped away a single tear that had falling from those golden eyes "I will go check on him, you just, breathe okay sweety"   
Clary left Magnus's room, giving him a soft smile.  
She walked directly to Alec's room but when she knocked there was no answer, she knocked again and the door opened.   
What she saw then, scared her so much. His room was trashed, there were pieces of fabric everywere, his deskchair was broken and his bed was pulled apart. She heared the shower running and walked towards the bathroom door  
"Alec?"  
"Alec, are you there?"  
"Alec please answer me!" She yelled, tears slipping from her eyes  
"ALEC" 

_May angels lead you in..._

She pushed and pushed against the door but it was locked. She panicked and thought of the first thing she could. She ran away towards her stepdad.  
"Luke please, come quick, there's something with Alec"   
Luke rushed behind her, running towards his room  
"Alec please open the door"  
"Alec can you hear me?"   
Luke started to bang against the door. The noise Clary and Luke were making didn't go unnoticed by the rest of the group. Simon and Lydia stood in the doorway of Alec's room.  
"Luke what's wrong?" Lydia cried  
"Simon help me please!" Simon ran towards Luke pushing against the door together.   
"What's happe..." Magnus walked into Alec's room, he had heard banging in his own room. Once he saw Simon and Luke banging at the door, he panicked, there was one thought on his mind...Alec  
He ran towards Luke and Simon.  
"Let's kick it together"He said "1...2...3" The trio kicked against the door, it gave a little but not enough to open.  
"AGAIN!"Magnus yelled "1...2...3" They kicked and the door gave out.   
The steam of the hot shower burned in their faces. On the floor, Next to the shower, lay the lifeless body of Alec, he layed on his stomach, the burn markes visible on his upper back and shoulder. Magus grabbed a towel and layed it over Alec's but. He carried Alec, together with Luke to his bed and layed him down on his stomach. Clary and Lydia had put the bed back in it's place, putting the matrass and sheets back on it while Luke, Simon and Magnus were working on breaking down the door.   
"Simon, please grab the burnlotion from the first aid kit," Luke spoke rather calm again.  
Magnus stroke through Alec's wet, dark hair.  
"I think he passed out from the pain from his burns. He's still breathing," Luke assured Magnus.  
Simon returned and took the cap of the bottle.  
"No not yet."Luke said putting the bottle on the headboard of Alec's bed. Magnus had taken a towel and made it wet with water. Not too cold, not too warm. He layed it on Alec's back.  
"I am going to call the doctor. Please let's just leave Alec alone. Magnus will you stay with him?" Luke asked and Magnus nodded  
Once everyone left the room Magnus left out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. He let his fingers glide through Alec's hair again.  
"Oh Alec, what did you do?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so while I was writing this I thought...who would be stupid enough to put a lock on a door in a safety/group home...but for the sake of the story, I forgot that bit for just a second. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter even though it scared the living crap out of myself while writing this. Things will get better soon (i make so many promises)
> 
> xoxo


	17. it's not over...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Alec's horrible mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt HORRIBLE about that last chapter...not that I didn't like the way it went but poor Alec and poo Magnus. But because of that I decided to upload another chapter to fill up that feeling.
> 
> Song in chapter title and in chapter =  
> It's not over by Secondhand Serenade

_I know i'm not the one to blame_  
_it's you_  
_or is it me_

Magnus sat in the hallway outside Alec's door. Tears had dried up on his cheeks, leaving them feeling cold and dry. Clary's head was on his shoulder while they waited for the doctor and Luke to come out of Alec's room.  
"I am scared," he whispered "He can't do this to me. He can't just do something like that everytime he feels down."  
Magnus sounded angry and hurt at the same time. He liked Alec, a lot, but he also scared him. He was so fragile and things had hurt him so much in the past but he couldn't just do this, he couldn't.  
"Shh it's going to be okay," Clary said wrapping her hand around Magnus's hand.  
"Is it weird to say that I am angry at him for doing this?"  
"I don't know....I understand why you would be. But I also think that he doesn't see things clear. With his mom showing up while he didn't expect it and you turning him down. I mean, you had every right to but...he couldn't see a way out I think. I don't think he wants to kill himself though..." She said. Clary wanted to say something when the door opened and the doctor and Luke came out. Magnus and Clary stood up immediately.

_I lose my sense of wrong and right_

"How is he?" Magnus asked, shifting his eyes from the doctor to Luke.  
"He's going to be okay. He's lucky. I think he passed out from the heat and I'm glad he did because he could have burned himself more if he stayed under the water. You can compare his burns to a sunburn, it will hurt a bit but he's okay. I gave him some painkillers and some ointment for the burns. I believe it looked more scary than it was." the doctor said and shook Luke's hand.  
"Is he awake?" Clary looked at her stepdad who placed a hand on her shoulder.  
"Yes he is," he smiled "I think it would be best if you go in one at the time. He's very confused and he feels ashamed of what he has done."  
Clary looked at Magnus "you go" she smiled and Magnus nodded.  
He knocked on Alec's door and when he heard a soft, come in, he opened the door.  
Alec looked horrible. He had been crying again, his face was pale and gray.  
"Please just go, I don't want you to see me like this," Alec whispered  
"Well, bad luck because I am not leaving!"  
"You sound mad." Alec looked so small  
"I am mad! How could you do this Alec?"  
"I just..."  
"How could you possible hurt yourself like that?"  
"I just wanted to feel"  
"Feel what?" In the meantime Magnus had taken small steps from Alec's door to his deskchair. The room looked practically normal again.  
"just anything. With my mom showing up and screwing things up with you I felt numb...and i just wanted" Alec avoided eye contact with Magus the entire time. Playing with the hems of his sheets.  
"Just because things are bad, doesn't mean you need to hurt yourself. I thought you were over that" Magnus eyed the scars that decorated Alec's chest  
"I was I just.....I'm sorry, I made a terrible mistake"  
"yeah you did"  
"Do you hate me?"  
The words hung in the air. Alec looked at Magnus for the first time since he entered his room. Magnus blinked, a worried look on his face. His features were hard and angry and sad at the same time

_but now it's over, it's over, why is it over?_

Alec thought he made a big mistake asking Magnus that question because he didn't respond. But after a minute or so, Magnus's face softened and he took Alec's hand  
"I could never hate you Alec. But i'm still mad at you. Mad that you ran out on me and everyone, mad that you hurt one of the most important persons in my life. I just...I don't know Alec. you just need to give me time"  
"Time?"  
"Yes time to think about this. You know I trusted you and you ran out on me. That's why I couldn't....If I look at you, I feel all hot and cold inside. Like i'm on fire in an icebath orsomething. If that makes sense. But you're so beautiful and broken and I need to think of what you could do to me if I gave everything to you.'  
Alec looked confused but deep down he knew what Magnus was trying to say.  
"I care very much about you Alec."  
"I care about you to" Alec let his eyes fall back into his hands again.  
"If it's okay with you, then I would like some time to think about everything"  
"Yes" Alec just whispered  
And before Magnus left his room again, he layed his hand on Alec's cheek and stared at him. He stared into his eyes like he could see right into Alec's soul.  
The door closed behind Magnus and Alec was alone again. He needed to change

_it's never over_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this is such a short chapter but I wanted the next day to be a new chapter. I hope i made things better again (sorry again for the angst lol)
> 
> I wanted to thank everybody who reads this story and likes it. This story means more to me than you will know! 
> 
> xoxo


	18. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day that the family shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Free days equals a lot of chapters in a short amount of time. Here we go again! Also...i'm a sap for a good musical number
> 
> song in chapter = everything by Lifehouse

Alec had some visitors for the rest of that day. Clary and Simon came to bother him with Simon's laptop and some Marvel movie Alec **needed** to see, according to Simon. It was more a distraction of what was to follow then that it made Alec happy. His mind was running miles again. He needed to fix things with Magnus, he needed to keep breathing because his mom, dad and siblings were showing up tomorrow, he needed so many things. 

Alec had barely slept that night. Simon came to bring him a bowl of cereal in the morning and to rub some of the ointment on his back. He asked Simon because he wanted to give Magnus the time he needed. He didn't want to mess things up anymore.  
"Simon, I have a plan..can you grab your guitar?" Alec asked once Simon was finished doing his back.  
"Of course" 

\---  
Alec was shifting in his seat. Playing with the sleeves of his hoodie. He was in Luke's office, waiting for Luke to welcome his parents. The door opened and Alec met with his sisters eyes.  
"I missed you so much" She said hugging her big brother  
"Missed you to, Izzy" Alec smiled. This was the reason, the reason to be alive. It didn't take long before his mom and dad also stepped into Luke office.  
"Where's Jace and Max?" Alec asked  
"They are in the tvroom with Clary and the rest. We can't be with this session because Luke first wanted to talk with mom and dad. You'll see them soon, big brother!" She smiled and Alec hugged her once again. "it's going to be okay, just be you...i love you Alec" she whispered in his ear before leaving the office  
"Hello Alexander" his mom said and sat down. His dad walked towards him and shook his hand awkwardly.  
"Thank you Mister and Misses Lightwood, thank you for joining Alec in session today. This will last about 45 minutes then you get to look around here. Tonight the kids have a talent show planned," Luke winked at Alec.  
"Your very welcome Mister Garroway. How is Alec doing?" Robert Lightwood spoke. Alec couldn't even remember the last time he heard his dad's voice. It sounded so much softer and kinder than his mother's voice.  
"I for one can see that Alec made some progress during his stay here. The medication has been lowered so he doesn't have to take that much anymore."  
"You do look healthier, Son." Robert looked at Alec and he could see the kindness in his eyes.  
"Alec has been eating more, not the amount that we want him to eat but it increases. He has had a though time here. He has fainted a couple of times and had a outburst just yesterday, but I can see his social skills picking up. He's made some frie...." Luke couldn't finish his sentence because Maryse interrupted him  
"Yes I have noticed that."she said stern  
"right... but enough of me talking" Luke said and looked at Alec  
Alec started talking about how he felt at home in Idris and that he liked the friends he made. After 15 minutes of ignoring the real reason Alec spoke  
" I miss him mom" His voice sounded sad and soft  
" He's gone Alec. He chose to leave this place" His mother said  
" I know but I still miss him. He was kinda like a dad to me," Alec panicked "I mean...like my best friend"  
"I understand Son. I haven't been home a lot, most of your live. I just wanted to give you and your brothers and sister everything you wanted. That's why I work so hard all the time. I don't want you....I mean... I want you to have everything you want to have"  
This was the first time that he heard his dad be this honest with him. He missed him, he missed that father figure in his live.  
"I know dad" Alec said and stood up carefully, slowly placing one foot in front of the other until he reached his dad. His dad immediately wrapped his arms around Alec in a hug. Alec felt safe and at home. This was what he wanted  
"Well ... Alec sit down honey" His mother said and Alec as always listened. He sat down immediately missing the warmth of his kind and sweet but so shy father. Alec and his father were very simular that way.  
"Do you miss him?" Alec asked his mom carefully, he saw his father nod. His father was also friends with his uncle, they went fishing together sometimes and he had always thought that that was also a reason why his dad burried himself in his work. He missed his buddy. What a screwed up family he had.  
"Sometimes" She said "But this is not about me Alexander. This is about you. Mister Garroway, I think this was all" She stood up, grabbed her purse and walked out of Luke's office. Alec followed her to the hallway  
"Alec, we will be back tonight. Please do your absolute best tonight. I want people to see how good my son is. And I hope you're doing a solo...and not something with that _friend_ of yours." His mother said, she yelled for his dad and walked away. Leaving Alec behind

\---  
Jace, Isabelle and Max had left with their parents. Alec had some time to spend with them. Watching tv in the tvroom and talking about everything. Max was sitting on top of Alec the entire time, like he used to do when Alec was still at home. Jace was kinda listening to Alec and flirting with Clary at the same time. While Simon tried to introduce Izzy to the wonder that was the movie Avengers. It felt like home again, but better. Magnus was reading and listening to the Lightwoods interact with eachother. He liked seeing Alec so happy and carefree. 

Time went faster and faster untill it was time for the talentshow. Clary helped by introducing everyone.  
Lydia and Simon already did their performances.  
"Next up, we have the amazingly talented Alec Lightwood."  
Everyone applauded and Alec took the stage, sitting down at the piano, behind the mic.  
The place was packed with parents and siblings and the room seemed so much smaller than it was. Normally this would freak Alec out but he was on a mission. A mission to prove to Magnus that he was serious about him and that he wanted to change.  
A mission to his mom to prove her that he was going to make his own decisions from now on. Alec never knew what to say but in music he could voice himself.  
"I originally prepared a classis piece by Beethoven but I wanted to do something different,"Alec spoke, looking directly into the eyes of his mother "I prepared this song and Simon is going to accompany me with his guitar."  
Simon took a stool and sat down on the stage  
"This song is for someone who's very special to me. And i wanted to make things right and let that person know...how I feel...or something. I'm not used to doing this so...I am a bit nervous" He took a deep breath and started hitting the keys of his piano. Izzy stood up from her seat clapping for Alec  


_Find me here, and speak to me_  
_I want to feel you, I need to hear you_  
_You are the light that's leading me to the place_  
_Where I find peace again_  


Alec kept his eyes closed and the few times he did open them, he looked at the keys of the piano. Simon smiled at him, he knew Alec had a great voice and he knew what he was doing. This one was for Magnus and Magnus only. 

_You are the strength that keeps me walking_  
_You are the hope that keeps me trusting_  
_You are the life to my soul_  
_You are my purpose_  
_You're everything_  
_And how can I stand here with you_  
_And not be moved by you_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?_

Alec looked up from the piano and stared directly into Magnus's eyes. He seemed a bit tense. His eyes were wide and glistened. Once Alec connected with Magnus a single tear fell down onto his cheek. He needed Magnus to know what Magnus meant to him. This was for Magnus and Magnus alone

_You calm the storms and you give me rest_  
_You hold me in your hands_  
_You won't let me fall_  
_You steal my heart and you take my breath away_  
_Would you take me in, take me deeper now_  
_And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better than this_  
_And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better than this_

The music changed and went from soft and sereen to a little bit harder and full of passion. Alec's voice sounded sure and confident. This was his therapy, music was his relief and Magnus was his dream.

_Cause you're all I want, you're all I need_  
_You're everything, everything_  
_You're all I want_  
_You're all I need_  
_You're everything, everything_  
_You're all I want_  
_You're all I need_  
_You're everything, everything_  
_You're all I want_  
_You're all I need_  
_Everything, everything_

Magnus had stood up from his chair. Izzy noticed what had happened and wrapped one arm around him. She knew that there was no-one from Magnus family visiting because he didn't really have family. His friends were his family. She hugged Magnus's side, knowing what and to who her brother was singing.

_And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better than this_  
_And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better-any better than this_  
_And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better than this_  
_Would you tell me how could it be any better than this_

The song ended and the room erupted with applause. Alec stood up and smiled. He didn't notice the whole room giving him a standing ovation. He could just see him. He who was held by his sister, he with his beautiful soul and kind heart, he who he had screwed things up with but hoped this would be a step in the right direction. He instantly regretted not telling his mom of or not telling his parents that he was in love with a boy. That he was gay. He could just see him and he was enough.  
Alec walked of the stage towards his sister and Magnus and while the people were still clapping he took Magnus in his arms and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter.... hope I made up for the mess. But there are still things left unsettled.....but that will be soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading
> 
> xoxo


	19. You're all I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter, sorry it's later than usual.
> 
> Chapter title is still from everything by lighthouse

The room went silent but Alec didn't notice. He could only feel him in his arms. His warm body pressed against him, he could feel the heat from Magnus's chest through his shirt. Magnus was hesitant at first but when he came back into reality and felt Alec's lips on his he couldn't help but pull him closer. Lips moving against eachother, his hand traveling upwards and stayed in the nape of Alec's neck, playing with the soft hairs.  
He wanted to feel everything, he wanted to let Alec know what that song meant to him. He was still a bit angry at Alec but they could talk that out. All that mattered was Alec. They pulled away and stared into eachothers eyes.  
"Wow" was all Alec could say before he remembered that they were in a room full of people, including his family.  
"I know...Alec, that song was beautiful, thank you" Magnus practically beamed. If he was the light, he was the sun.  
Alec looked around and saw his sister smiling at them, his dad looking uncomfortable and his mother just looked pure horrified.  
"I'll see you after okay?" Alec whispered at Magnus, squeezing his hand and walked away towards his seat next to Simon. 

"You guys are adorable" Isabelle squeeled.  
"Wait a minute, sweetheart, I need to get back to earth right now" Magnus smiled at Isabelle who hugged his side again.

Once everyone had performed, including Magnus who sang a beautiful acoustic version of a Temper Trap song, the room cleared and people were getting something to drink and started to chat with eachother.  
Alec looked around the room, searching for his family.  
"ALEC!" he heard and was greeted by his little brother jumping in his arms.  
"Max, i've missed you so much. How are you doing, kiddo?"  
"I've been good. I haven't had a grade below a B this semester" he smiled "and I started a drawing class."  
"Yeah Izzy sent me pictures of your manga. It's amazing Max!" He hugged his little brother again  
"Who was that boy you kissed? Is he you boyfriend?" Max asked. He looked over his glasses at his big brother. Max had always been so uncomplicated. He was like a breath of fresh air. Accepting everything around him and enjoying live at it's fullest.  
"I hope so" Alec smiled and felt a strong arm wrapped around his shoulders. He turned around and saw his other brother  
"Alec, Izzy and I are so proud of you. You have no idea!" Jace smiled and hugged him again, this time Alec wrapped his free arm around him.  
"thanks Jace, you have no idea how much that means. I know some people aren't that proud of me at the moment"  
"Ignore mom, Alec. You don't have to be somebody you're not" Jace smiled and took Max with him. "Come on Max, let's go get a drink" Jace nodded and Alec turned around. His mother was walking towards him, a stern look on her face.  
"Alexander, what have you done?" She said. She sounded angry and hard.  
"I just....I"  
"It doesn't matter, I am going to talk to mister Garroway about your release. I don't want you to be here, with _those_ people"  
"Mom...no I"  
"Alexander, you don't have a say in this, go on, pack your bags"  
"Mom NO!" He yelled "You always think you know what's best for me but you don't. I am gay mom, gay...and I am not going to change."  
Alec didn't know where this sudden confidence came from. Maybe it was from feeling finally free to show people he liked boys. Maybe it was kissing Magnus. Maybe it was freaking out that he had to leave when he didn't feel ready to.  
"Mom, I love you, for some strange reason I still do. But you can't change me. Even if you take me home, I will still be gay. Here look at this" He pulled up his shirt far enough so that his mother could see the burns. Although her face stayed hard, Alec saw his mother flinch  
"I can't go home mom. I am sick. I need help and this is the only place where I feel at home."  
"No you don't want to leave because of that _boy_ , you're confused Alec. You've always thought the best of people. People who use you people who take you for..."  
"No mom, it's not because of Magnus which is, by the way, his name. I really think that somewhere deep down you mean well mom but you make me hate myself. You make me sick, you made me hurt myself. Because I felt wrong and disgusted by myself for being gay and for being different than Izzy and Jace. And yes I really like Magnus but I want to stay for me."  
His mother just looked at him and walked away, leaving Alec behind in the crowd. He walked backwards and bumped into someone  
"Magnus...i"  
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice soft.  
"I don't really know" he said. Magnus grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the crowd into the long and white hallway.  
"I heard what you said" Magnus didn't let go of Alec's hand. Instead he just reached his other hand to hold both of Alec's hands  
"You were so brave. I still am kinda pissed at you but....you're just so cute I can't stay away from you anymore"  
"You think I am cute?" Alec blushed and looked down at the floor.  
Magnus place his finger under Alec's chin and made him look at him. "I think you're beautiful" and kissed Alec on the lips.

\--  
Everyone left within the hour after the performance. Alec's family stayed at a hotel and they would be back tomorrow for another session. Magnus had taken Alec to his room and theyy sat on the bed.  
"I am sorry, you know. I just....i couldn't ...i mean....she's my mom. But after what happened I also couldn't stay away from you anymore. I really like you Magnus and I.."  
Lips and teeth and tongue was all he felt next. He couldn't even finish his sentence  
Magnus crashed into him making him fall backwards onto Magnus's pillow. Magnus crawled on top of him, kissing him like his live depended on it.  
"I know" was all Magnus said between the kisses. It felt familiar and warm and hot at the same time. Magnus sucked Alec's bottom lip between his, earning a moan from Alec who opened his mouth further to deepen the kiss. Magnus's tongue was everywhere, exploring Alec's mouth like he had forgotten how it felt.  
They kissed for a couple of minutes and when Magnus pulled away, he rested his forehead against Alec's. Breathing him in completely.  
"I really like you" He whispered "You're everything Alexander"  
Alec smiled "Like the song?"  
"Yeah like the song" He kissed Alec's lips again. Making Alec forget about his parents for the evening.  
Alec placed his hand on Magnus, making him sit back a bit. Alec sat up straight and pulled his shirt over his head. He looked at Magnus and Magnus had never seen such a wonderful side. His eyes shined with lust and Alec bit his lip. This beautiful, shy boy in front of him. Magnus let his hands wander over Alec's chest. He was gaining weight a bit and Magnus could see some musscles through his skin.  
"You're so beautifully hot" Magnus smiled and kissed Alec's chest. He let his lips wander over his chest, placing soft kisses around his nipple before capturing it between his lips, making Alec moan for the second time that night. He felt Alec's hands at the bottom of his shirt, playing with the hem before pushing it upwards and pulling it over Magnus's head. When Magnus's shirt met Alec's one on the floor, the boys just looked at eachother.  
"I want you" Alec whispered, making Magnus blush for the first time since they met. Magnus's wasn't used to people looking at him like that. He was used to people wanting him, but not with such an adoring look in their eyes.  
" Are you sure?" Magnus asked, knowing that this was a big deal for Alec. Not just him being a virgin, but them trusting eachother  
"I am 1000 percent sure" Alec smiled  
"You're such a nerd" Magnus kissed him again and reached for the button on Alec's pants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the chapter for today. I will update soon and that will be the first time I will write a mature scene so...hope that goes well.
> 
> Anyway thanks for reading 
> 
> xoxo


	20. you and I collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tells Alec about his past before anything happens...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING adult scenes
> 
> Song is from Howie Day (collide)
> 
> Hope you'll like it (never written adult scenes so hope it's okay)

Heaven, that's what it felt like. Magnus's hands at the buttons of Alec's dark pants. Unbuttoning slowly, Alec lifted his hips so that MAgnus could pull his pants down, throwing them on the floor next to their shirts. Alec attacked Magnus's neck with kisses. Sucking a bit at his pulse point, leaving a mark for sure.   
"Wait Alec, just...please" Magnus breathed   
"Did I do something wrong?" Alec looked worried at Magnus.  
"No sweetheart, but I want to be honest with you before you make this decision. I want you to know the real me....and since last time I couldn't.."  
"Yes, i know. Please tell me. I won't run away again. I promise!" Alec took Magnus's face in his hands and gave him a light kiss.  
"I just hope you don't change your opinion about me....once you know the truth I mean."  
"Nothing you say can change my opinion of you Magnus."Alec gave Magnus a warm smile  
"I wanted to tell you the real reason why there was no-one from my family here. It's just...I really don't have any family left. I am an only child. My mother was suffering from a mental illness since I was born. Some said it was some PTSS others said that she was just depressed. I don't know really, she was such a sweet and good mother to me, but she couldn't love herself. She killed herself was I was 8."  
"I am so sorry, Magnus"  
"Thanks, but it's okay. It was a long time ago and yes I still miss her but...I miss just having a mom. Anyways my stepdad couldn't handle the fact that he couldn't make her happy so he started drinking and using drugs and other stuff. He tried to kill me because he felt like it was my fault that she was the way she was. He tried to drown me in the pond ouside my house. I hit him with a rock to stop him from killing me but I ended up killing him. The rock hit him so hard that he had to go into the hospital and landed into a coma. He didn't survive that."  
"You were just defending yourself." The words Alec said didn't match his face. His head was thinking about his uncle again and how he had killed himself. But this wasn't about him. He had to show Magnus that he was there for him.  
"I know but him laying there in the grass is a picture I have never gotten out of my head. Anyways to make a long story short. I was put in the foster system, nobody wanted an older kid so I stayed there untill I got here because of substance abuse. But I will tell you more about that some other time. I just wanted to make sure you know what you are dealing with before you commit yourself to me totally."

_I'm tangled up in you_

No matter how strong and confident Magnus always seemed, the look on his face tonight was the real Magnus. He looked so hurt and vulnerable.  
"Magnus, don't you ever think I think less of you now. I still want this, I still want _you_. I have always wanted you. Since that moment I first saw you and I was to affraid to even think about being gay, I knew I wanted you. You're amazing, Magnus"   
Alec reached out to him and stroke, ever so lightly, his thumb across Magnus's cheek  
"I meant what I said. I'm sure. I want you"   
With his hands shaking, he reached out and unbuttoned Magnus's colorful pants. His boxers were plain black, just like Alec's. He pushed Magnus back a bit so he could straddle him, leaning downwards he kissed his lips. First soft and unsure and the longer his lips lingered there, the more confidence he gained. It didn't take long before Magnus was fighting this battle with him, hands roaming and lips and teeth colliding.   
"Fuck, Magnus" Alec hissed when Magnus reached between them, touching Alec through his boxers. Alec was grinding into Magnus's hand. Alec, of course, being a virgin had pleasured himself but he always felt embarresed the moment after he came. He even had touched himself thinking about Magnus, while showering. But thinking about Magnus and actually being touched by Magnus was not comparable.   
"Please tell me when it gets to much, sweetheart, I don't want to do anything you're not ready for"  
The sound of Magnus filled his ears. The sexy velvet sound of his voice, panting to catch his breath but still being a gentleman about Alec's virginity  
"Just...please,... more" was all Alec could get out of his mouth  
Magnus pushed Alec's boxers a bit down, taking him in hands. He started to stroke Alec in a steady rhythm. Alec was still laying half on top of Magnus, he kissed and sucked his neck, making Magnus moan.   
"Let me touch you" He whispered, cheeks flaming up and reached between them. He shoved his hand, rather hard, into Magnus's boxers and took Magnus in his hand. He felt embarresed at first but when Magnus started to moan he gained confidence. Stroking up and down and increasing the tempo, making Magnus's head fall backwards, exposing his bruised, by his kisses, neck.   
"Yes, _shit_ Alec. You're doing excellent" Magnus smiled and kissed Alec. Magnus's hands flew towards Alec boxers, pushing them down, releasing Alec painfully hard member.   
Magnus whimpered as soon as Alec stopped stroking him, he pushed Magnus's underwear down and fell back on top of him. Kissing him with everything that he had to give.   
"Magnus, I think I want to....you know"  
"Sweety, you're naked on top of me....you don't ever have to be embarresed by me. Tell me what do you want?" Magnus smiled and kissed Alec's forehead  
"I want to.... "Alec swallowed " I want to feel you inside me, but I am kinda scared" His hands ran up and down Magnus's sides  
"I promise to be carefull and....you tell me when I need to stop, when it hurts too much, i will stop"   
Alec just nodded and kissed Magnus again. Magnus reached towards his nightstand and pulled out a condom and a bottle of lube. Alec was to busy thinking about what was about to happen that he didn't even hace time to think about why Magnus had that in his nightstand in a group home.   
Magnus pushed Alec so he layed on his back. He put lube on his fingers and reached between Alec's legs. He kissed him deeply, tongues dancing, while he pushed one finger inside of Alec.   
"Are you okay?" He asked sweetly and Alec could only nod.   
He was okay, he never felt more okay. He felt normal.   
Magnus pushed another finger inside of his, making him a little but uncomfortable but Magnus kissed that feeling away. The last finger Magnus pushed in made Alec hiss in pain. But it was a good pain. He was used to the wrong kind of pain. Pain made out of hate and this was pain made out of love  
"Are you ready, darling?" Magnus whispered so soft   
"yes, I want you" and instead of blushing his cute head of, he looked at Magnus with desire and lust in his eyes.  
Magnus pulled his fingers out and placed the condom onto himself. He started to enter Alec and once he was inside of him he stopped until the pain faded away.   
Slowly pulling himself out of Alec and pushing back in again, Alec had never felt anything like this. This was everything and he wrapped his legs around Magnus.  
"Oh please Magnus" Alec moaned and Magnus increased the pace.   
Little drops of sweat were forming on Magnus's forehead.  
"Alexander, you're so.....so incredibly delicious" Magnus panted making Alec smile in the process.   
He kept thrusting into him and felt Alec's legs tighten around him.   
"Magnus...I'm gonna...Arrgg" Alec cried and came hard, releasing on both of their stomachs. A second later Magnus tumbled over the edge grunting his way through the orgasm.

_You and I collide_

A moment later, after they cleaned up, Alec layed in Magnus's armd with his head resting on his chest.  
"Magnus, that was..."  
"yeah, how do you feel?"  
"I feel amazing" Alec smiled and kissed his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they did that.....I hope it was okay. I've never written anything like this before so hope I didn't blow it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading again
> 
> xoxox


	21. autors note

I am so so sorry that I haven't updated in a while. There are no excuses.

Accept that i am in a bit of a personal crisis and I am trying to find my way back to writing ...

so I hope I will have a new chapter soon


End file.
